“Hello there” I say to you, as Obi Wan (Ben) Kenobi said to R2-D2 upon meeting him (he’s a guy, right?) in Episode IV. Also, happy Star Wars day! May the Fourth be with you! As you might have noticed by now, I am buzzing from some brews. Hopefully this will not be detrimental to the thing I am currently writing, which has taken many a hour of brainstorming and research (looking up crap on Wookiepedia).
So, what am doing here? Well, let briefly tell you. I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with the Star Wars prequels. One time I would watch them, they’d be fine. The next time, it wouldn’t connect and I’d hate them. It’s like sometimes, chow mein hits the spot, other times, you’re like “meh.” Anyway, this all changed about two summers ago when my friends and I decided to watch all six Star Wars movies, I-VI, in order over the course of six nights. While it was fun, there was a startling realization, and that realization was that the Star Wars prequels are TERRIBLE. Before you go on commenting and getting all upset and shit, let me first say that this all my own opinion and that we can debate this in a nice, friendly way. Secondly, let me say why I think the Star Wars prequels are absolute rubbish.
Why the Star Wars Prequels are Absolute Rubbish
Alright, let me BRIEFLY explain why I think the Star Wars prequels, in comparison to the original trilogy, are abosulte crap. Let me first say that it’s NOT the actors’ fault. Nearly everyone in these movies is a good actor. Natalie Portman is great and won an Oscar. Ewan McGregor kicks ass. Liam Neeson rocks it in every movie (hey, he even rocked The Phantom Menace). Even Hayden Christensen, who people seem to hate, is a pretty decent actor. Watch him in “Life as a House”. He’s good in it, seriously! Christopher Lee is a goddamn legend, and he was like “murr” in the prequels. Samuel L. Jackson is good, too. Seriously, these are all good, talented actors, so I’m not going to bag on them. It’s not their fault.
Many things bug me about the prequels (like, almost everything), but what annoys me the most is the complete disregard for continuity in the overall story of the Star Wars saga. But you might be asking “But Rammfan, Anakin turned into Vader, so what’s the problem?” Well, sure, that was the point of the prequels…but the prequels sure do mess up a lot of shit and cause a lot of continuity issues. I’ll provide a couple examples (from the many):
*In Episode IV, Leia, in her recording, states “General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.” In the prequels, Kenobi never served Bail Organa. Sure, they knew each other, but he never served him, like, ever. (Unless, he, y’know, served him…)
*In Episode IV, Obi-Wan and Luke are discussing the past when Obi-Wan talks about Luke’s father and uncle. Luke explains that his father was a navigator on a spice freighter. Obi-Wan tells him “That’s your uncle talking. He didn’t hold with your father’s ideals, thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved.” Additionally, he explains that Uncle Owen didn’t let him give Luke’s lightsaber because he might “follow old Obi-Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade like your father did.” Now, since I am a human and believe things people say (especially wise sages), I reckon that Owen DIDN’T HOLD WITH ANAKIN’S IDEALS AND THOUGHT HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED ON TATOOINE AND NOT GOTTEN INVOLVED. Additionally, Anakin probably FOLLOWED OBI-WAN ON SOME DAMN FOOL IDEALISTIC CRUSADE. This might explains Owen’s animosity toward Obi-Wan in Episode IV. So by now you’re like “Ok, so why is this a problem?”
Well, in the prequels, Anakin is a nine year old boy when he is whisked from his planet by Qui-Gon Jinn, who, if you notice, isn’t Obi-Wan Kenobi. Anakin leaves and goes to be a Jedi. Anakin doesn’t even meet Uncle Owen until TEN YEARS LATER, when he’s already a Jedi (and been one for like ten years). AND,Uncle Owen doesn’t meet Obi-Wan Kenobi until like two years later, when Kenobi drops off baby Luke to the Lars homestead. So, my question is, how the fuck can Owen not hold with Anakin’s ideals ten years before he even knew him? (And if he’s like eleven years old). “Y’know…Anakin, you shouldn’t have become a Jedi ten years ago…” Like, hello! Obviously no fact-checkin’ going on.
*In Episode IV, Admiral Motti says “Don’t try to freighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel’s hidden fort-” He stops talking because Vader chokes him with the Force like a biotch. But did you notice the words? SORCERER, RELIGION, CONJURE, CLAIRVOYANCE…Obi-Wan is referred to as a “crazy old wizard.” WIZARD. Get it? In Episode V, Yoda explains the Force as something spiritual. “Luminous beings are we” says he. Then in the prequels we get the explanation that the Force is due to midi-chlorians, stupid little cell-craps in your bloodstream. Wait, what?
*”Sith” is never mentioned in the original trilogy. Not once. Neither is “Coruscant”.
*We never learn why Obi-Wan is known as “Ben” in the originals by non-Jedi characters. When did he adopt the name, and why?
So yea, that’s just a couple ways in which the plotlines of the prequels contradict those of the original trilogy. Defend them all you want, it still doesn’t make sense. And don’t try and say that it was explained in a book or comic or whatever, because IT SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE. These movies, all six of them, should be self-contained and MAKE SENSE all on their own.
It’s not bad enough that the prequels don’t make sense with the prequels, but sometimes they even lose track of their own subplots. For example, in Episode II, Kenobi goes to Kamino to investigate a mysterious dart. He meets some aliens there who tell them that Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas ordered the creation of a clone army for the Repbulic ten years prior (when Episode I took place). Obi-Wan says that Master Sifo-Dyas was killed ten years ago…ok. (This is the first scene in which he is mentioned in any movie) Obi-Wan checks out the clone army and it’s cool or whatever and the clones are used in the war. That’s fine and dandy, but I always wanted to know who Sifo-Dyas was. He died ten years earlier, was it Qui-Gon? In the Episode II commentary, George Lucas states that we wouldn’t know until Episode III. Well, Sifo-Dyas isn’t mentioned at all in Episode III (or in ANY other movie). So, George said he was gonna tell us, but he never did. (Just like how he said he was gonna make like twelve Star Wars movies, but never did. Or how he said he was going to make “smaller, artsy” pictures, but never did.) Anyway, like, what the fuck? These movies are a damn mess.
As I just said, the prequels are a damn mess. There are so many other things wrong with them, but I think I’ll stop here. I don’t want to get too carried away (which can happen when I’m talking about Star Wars). So, without further ado, here we on to the next part of this article, PLANNING A NEW PREQUEL TRILOGY.
Planning a New Prequel Trilogy
As I left my friends house after Episode VI, I realized that the prequels could have been done WAY BETTER. (Let me say that I know I’m not the first person to re-envision the Star Wars prequels. There are NUMEROUS fans who have done the same, and I have read a lot of them, but have to say I have never found any I really liked. But anyway, back to my thingy).
So, a new Star Wars prequel trilogy. A lot of people, when trying to re-envision the prequels will change one thing here, or one thing there, but keep the essential plot of the film. Not me. We have to throw out EVERYTHING and start clean. It’s like Hoarders…we just gotta throw it all out and start new. Seriously.
My first thoughts were to get keep politics to a bare minimum. I hate politics and I hate talking about them, and I definitely don’t want them in fun space-adventure movies. (“Politics” and “fun” don’t have anything in common, just sayin’). Secondly, make Bail Organa a bigger character. In the prequels, he was only in two of the movies, and he didn’t even really do ANYTHING. At the end of Episode III, when he decides to take Leia, I’m like “wait, who’s this guy?” Just some Senator? He was in like five scenes…like, what the fuck? So yea, make him a bigger character (maybe like Lando was in the originals), or something. Thirdly, have Alderaan be the prequels more than 45 seconds. Seriously, it’s in all three of the prequels for FORTY-FIVE SECONDS. Fourthly, don’t have shit that’s not mentioned to or alluded to in the originals have a prominent role in the prequels (I’m looking at you, Coruscant).
But lastly, turn Star Wars back into a space adventure, or space opera, with fun, and adventure, and danger, and aliens, and good and evil! Don’t make them “political thrillers” with some action scenes. Why are they even any scenes in the Senate at all? Are we watching C-SPAN or Star Wars? You might say that the originals were also about politics and the ruling of a galaxy, but tell me how many scenes in the originals took place in the Senate? How many?! (The answer is ZERO).
Also, turn the tone from “kid’s movie” into, just, like, an “everyone movie.” You might defend that the originals were geared toward children, and sure, lots of light-hearted adventure stuff is, but they were by no means “kid’s movies” in terms of stupid fart or poop jokes, or anything that could be seen in these movies. They were enjoyable for everyone. Take “Hugo” for example. It’s labeled a children’s movie, but everyone can enjoy it. Adults and kids alike. There’s tons of movies like this, and Star Wars should be one of those.
So, right, those were my first ideas…but also made myself some rules, those being:
*Make completely coherent prequels, where nothing established in the original trilogy is contradicted. (To the best of my ability, of course. I might have forgotten something, but I tried not to).
*Nothing can be made into a toy (to prevent stupid shit from being in the movie just to sell toys).
*No stupid shoe-horning of characters or things (if something or someone does appear in the prequels, I have to justify it, and do so well. No Boba Fett in these, baby).
All right, all right, now I’ll stop rambling and get to it. Since I’m a little TIPSAY and it’s late (and this fucking long already) I’m just going to summarize my idea for a re-imagined Episode I. (Maybe I’ll do my version of Episode II next year…or whenever I feel like it). But anyway, it’s about time I’ve started this. So, as General Calrissian said “Here goes nothing!”
EPISODE ONE: RE-IMAGINED
All right, here we are. My vision of the new Star Wars: Episode One, done in a suitable fashion. Remember, lots of action, adventure, and fun!
All right, I see the movie as being called something like “Will of the Force” or “Way of the Force,” because, I dunno, I couldn’t think of something better, and kind of sounds like an adventure flick and is generic enough for the simple adventure film that is to follow. The opening crawl of the movie would state the following:
The galaxy is in unrest. The Galactic Republic stands divided under constant attacks by the rouge group of attacking Clones. Sitting between the Clones and the Republic is the peaceful planet Alderaan, which is under threat from the Clones. In response to the threat, the Republic has sent two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice, to resolve the matter… (it’d just be worded way better).
Something like that. There’s a war between a divided Republic and some faction using Clones. Alderaan is under attack due to strategic positioning. The Republic sends Jedi to take care of it. See how simple that plot is? No trade routes, no federations, no blockades. Fuck yea.
All right, so the letters go into space the camera pans down to show a Republic crusier or some big Republic ship flying through space. Everything seems hunky-dory, until clone ships start attacking it.
On the ship, two guys, a young guy with a beard, and an older guy with a beard, run around as alarms go off. The two run to the bridge, or something, where a larger Clone ship comes into view. The big Clone baddie, who I’ve named Valorum (ok, I guess I took ONE thing from the prequels) asks the Republic ship their destination. The Republic ship lies and says they’re getting burgers on Bespin or something. Valorum asks if there are any Jedi on the ship, for his intelligence gave him info about a ship going to Alderaan with Jedi. The Republic people lie again. Valroum doesn’t buy it and begins destroying the ship. Everyone is like “fuuuu!” and they abandon the ship. Our two bearded guys run into small escape craft with some twenty others or so. They blast out of the main ship, which explodes (perhaps) behind them. Even though they escaped, they are tracked by fighters. Their ship fights back and there’s a cool action scene or whatever. Eventually, the fighters are eliminated, but the escape ship has taken so much damage that it crash-lands on a desert planet. Oh dayumn!
This is when the film would switch to a dude working on some moisture evaporator. Since they never used this scene in the original trilogy, I think it’d make a great introduction to Anakin.
Afterward, Anakin goes to tell his friends about the battle he has scene, and they think he is lame.
I think this is VERY important to show that Anakin is a loser. I mean, think about it. When we first meet Luke, he’s feeling down. In the Matrix, Neo is having a tough time at work. Harry Potter is a loser at the beginning of his tale. And so, Anakin shall be at the beginning.
All right, so switch back to the party walking around in the desert. Our young guy and old guy are just chilling as the others complain. Our young guy asks the de facto leader of the group why their ship was attacked. He explains it was because the Clones (or faction name) thought there were Jedi on the flight. The young man asks what Jedi are, and the man explains that they are guardians of peace and justice who use the Force, and use lightsabers. (Basically a re-introduction to the Jedi and the Force in a simple way).
Anakin returns back to his house after being made fun of by his friends. There, he meets his sister Beru Skywalker (yes, I said sister!) and her boyfriend Owen Lars. As we learn, Anakin and Beru moved in with him after Skywalker parents were killed in a previous Clone attack. As compensation, Anakin has to work and help with farming and shit.
So, Anakin returns home and Owen asks him if he got this task done or that task done, but Anakin says no. When an annoyed Owen asks why, Anakin explains because there was a battle and it was exciting and – But Owen cuts him off, and tells him that there is no good in wondering about the war because Tatooine is the place for him and he should just worry about his duties and stop dreaming. (Note that Owen is in no way to be mean, just realistic. Anakin, more a dreamer.) Beru is sympathetic to her brother (as she was to Luke in IV). Anakin, now crushed with the realization he’s a loser farmer, goes off to the garage. Owen states that he can’t just fly away from all his problems. Anakin doesn’t listen and instead takes off in his T-16 Skyhopper.
Meanwhile, the group in the desert are tired and bleh. It is now, when they seem like giving up, that they are attacked by a MONSTER! (Maybe a Krayt Dragon? There was a Krayt Dragon skeleton in Episode IV, but remember, let’s keep these to a minimum). So, this monster attacks them and our two bearded guys bust out their LIGHTSABERS. Ahhh shit! THEY’RE THE JEDI! The monster kills all the other people (for convenience!), but the Jedi are resilient. Nevertheless, the monster seems to have them, but here comes Anakin in his Skyhopper, shooting the monster and helping them out. When the monster is dead, Anakin lands his T-16 by them and introduces himself. The older man introduces himself as Krayos. (“Krayos” was a name taken from one of the early drafts of Star Wars, in like ’75 or something). The younger one says his name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Ohhhh shiii! Anakin tells them that night is coming and that he can stay with him. His sister’s bf might be a dick about it, but they can come.
On their trip back, Anakin flies them through Beggar’s Canyon, which is pretty dangerous. Although the Jedi seem scurred at first, Anakin is a great pilot. He weaves around the canyon like he was born to do it. Maybe we could have “The Force” theme playing through here. Obi-Wan and Krayos share a knowing glance.
The Jedi arrive at Owen’s place, which is in the city Anchorhead. Anakin brings the two Jedi and Owen’s like “strangers..hurr…”, but Beru is pleasant. At the Lars’ place, Krayos and Kenobi discuss Anakin. It’s totally obvious that he is strong in the Force. He was usin’ it to fly through the canyon, although he probably doesn’t even know he’s doing it. They both felt it, but don’t know how to act on it yet.
Afterwards, they all have dinner (or play cards or Twister or something) and discuss some shit. Mostly, the conversation is about the war and the status of the Republic. It is here we learn the Republic is split into two: The Old Republic, who supports the Jedi and wants a peaceful resolution, and the New Order, spearheaded by Senator Palpatine. The New Order doesn’t rely on the Jedi so much and sees their religion as “foolish.” Owen and Beru respond with their opinions, but whatever, that could be all written later or whatever. Owen asks them how they came to be here on Tatooine, and they explain they are on their way to Alderaan. Somehow, it comes out that they are Jedi. Owen nearly spits out his soup. Harboring Jedi is totes dangerous nowadays, what with the Clones hunting them and the New Order not supporting them. Owen doesn’t believe in the Force, but Anakin does. This is when Kenobi and Krayos explain Anakin is strong in the Force and that he should become a Jedi. Anakin gets all excited. Owen tells them not to fill his head with such dreams and that he shouldn’t go with them (remember, didn’t hold with your father’s ideals…thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved…). Owen says he wants the Jedi gone, but Anakin and Beru convince him to let them stay them night.
The next morning, the city is under attack by evil Clone Troopers! Lasers and shit are flying everywhere as the Anchorhead militia are fighting back. Anakin wakes up the Jedi and tells them the baddies are here. The two spring to action and shit. Owen is all mad at them for bringing the Clones to their town. The Jedi feel bad and flee, but not before asking Anakin one last time if he wants to go with them. Anakin now has like 0.003 parsecs to make a decision. He looks to the Jedi, he looks to his old family. Beru is encouraging, but Owen isn’t as much. Anakin decides to go with the Jedi. Before they can totally run away, Owen and Beru both give him a hug. Owen tells him even to be safe. (I want Owen to care for Anakin…that is why he could be such a hard-ass. Beru would always be supportive of her younger brother.) The Jedi run away and Owen shoots some lasers.
Now the Jedi are running through the streets witht heir new buddy, Anakin Skywalker. Anakin says they could get a ship out of here from the Mayor’s house (or the Baron’s house, or someone’s house) because he or she has a bunch of ships because he or she is rich.
So they go running through Anchorhead, evading enemy troopers the entire time. This could be a fun scene, like where they run along the rooftops and go through people’s houses and mess shit up (like people playing chess or something) while being persued, etc. Eventually, they reach the Baron’s house or whatever and see a bunch of ships. They jump to the nearest one, even though it’s a “bucket-of-bolts”, and get inside. Anakin goes into the cockpit and fires the thing up. Kenobi and Krayos get on and they escape Tatooine. Yay!
So, our heroes have successfully escaped Tatooine in a stolen ship. (Reminiscent of Jack Sparrow and Will Turner stealing a ship in the first “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie. It can be done in a fun, adventurous way). So, anyway, Anakin sets the course for Alderaan, all three of them in the cockpit. Then, they all smell something. Someone asks about the smell, when they hear a beastly snort from behind them. The large humanoid monster is a green-skinned alien (maybe like a raptor). All three of them scream in fear. (Han Solo was first envisioned to be a green-skinned alien. I decided to have this character be such to pay homage to that image. Additionally, I wanted an alien to be there so that I could show the camaraderie between aliens and humans in the story. Yay theme! And you always need a Chewbacca.) So, this alien yanks them out of the cockpit and throws them into the “living room” part (where everyone chills) of the ship. Anakin just has time to look up to see a female look down at him and say “What are you doing aboard MY ship?” Dun dun dun.
So, we learn that this ship belongs to Elise Whitesun. (Of course, none of these names are final. I just like the name Elise, and think Whitesun, which is, in the real Star Wars canon, used as Aunt Beru’s last name, is a good name for this female.) Her green-skinned friend is named Jamillia (I think this was a name used in the original drafts of Star Wars. George Lucas used it in Episode II for the name of the Naboo Queen at that time, Queen Jamillia.) Elise is a whipper-snapper, one could say, and dressed in pilot’s clothes. On her wrists, she wears long fingerless gloves and ALWAYS wears them. (This is important to her character, but won’t be revealed until Episode II).
Elise doesn’t state what her and Jamillia are, or what they were doing on Tatooine, but she tells them quite succinctly that she wants them gone. She agress to see them to Alderaan, but then she is leaving them and “never wants to see them again.” We can tell, of course, that she likes Anakin, though.
A little later, Obi-Wan and Krayos are moving things with the Force, teaching Anakin a bit. Anakin tries moving some stuff with the Force, but he is so good at it, he moves a secret panel of the ship, a droid stashed inside that faceplants to the ground. (Comedy!) Not even Elise knew it was there, and they promptly plug everything back together. The droid comes back to life (or powers on or whatever) and asks “Are they coming? Are they coming?!” Then he could look at our buddies and ask “who are you?” (The droid could be a female, too, but for now, I’ll keep saying “he”)
Turns out that this droid is Z6, who was the droid of a smuggler, and stashed into the ship during a raid like 100 years ago. He is startled to learn the state of Republic. (He could probably provide info about the Jedi and the Republic and the relationship they had 100 years prior). Soon after, they arrive at Alderaan, but it is surrounded by Clone ships! Ahh fuu!
What follows is another action scene. Anakin grabs the controls, Elise arguing with him that she should pilot. They comedically bicker fight over to the controls, which worries the others. The Clone ships shoot at them, but Anakin is the best star pilot in the galaxy (Obi-Wan said so in Episode IV) and they get through, although their ship is severely damaged. They crash-land in the forest of Alderaan. The Jedi and Anakin are pleased, but Elise is not. She goes on about how her ship is damaged and cannot take off again. The Jedi remind her it’d be tough to get away anyway with all the Clone ships. The Jedi say they have to go to the capital city to meet Gordon, the Alderaanian king. (Gordon Organa was a name in the early draft of Star Wars, so I’m using it here). Elise decides to come along to see that they get the parts for her ship, but we all really know she’s going because she likes them, especially Anakin.
So, our team walks out into the wilderness of Alderaan, trying to make their way to the capital. There’s some arguing and slight flirting by Anakin and Elise, what with him perhaps insulting her ship and her getting mad about it. It’s not long before our group of heroes is attacked once again by some crazy lizards or some other monsters. (When writing the Indiana Jones movies, Lucas said that Indiana Jones was a guy who was always in over his head. I feel like our company should be the same way. That always seems to make for good adventure movies, as well.)
Our team seems to be in a dire situation, when they are saved my a thermal detonator being thrown from above and going off. The monsters flee, and our company looks up to see some rouge-ish human male about the same age as Anakin and Elise. This young man is confident and a little swashbuckly (but not a direct clone of Han Solo). The man comes forward and talks with them, but before the man can introduce himself, our group has a net dropped on them. The natives of Alderaan, the Killiks, surround them, spears in hand. (Killiks is, in the Star Wars universe, the name of some weird bugs indigenous to Alderaan. I needed a name so I chose this one, but of course, all could be changed later).
So now, our group is being led away with hoods over their heads by this barbaric tribe. They are brought back to the barbarian base or town or whatever. Horns are blown and shit and there’s a big meeting in town, the leader sitting upon a grand chair. The leader of the Killiks, who’ll just name now as Whatever Dude (haven’t thought of a Star Wars-y name yet), reveals a giant pit and a monster inside. It looks like our heroes will be put to death for tresspassing. Then, the Killiks take their hoods off. The Killiks cheer as they see the faces of those they are about to squash. But when they take off the rouge-ish man’s hood, all drumming and hollering stops. Whatever dude commands them to stop and set them free. This rouge-ish guy is Prince Bail Organa. The members of the company (and hopefully the audience) are like “whaaa?”
Whatever Dude is displeased his lands have been tread upon, but he agrees to send the Prince and his friends back to the capital safely if further trespassing won’t happen. Prince Organa agrees, and says he’ll lead the visitors away. Our heroes explain to the Killiks that the Clone baddies are coming to destroy their planet, but they don’t care and think they are strong enough for any threat. This is when we learn that there is a rift between the city folk and the barbaric folk of Alderaan (sort of like Gunguns and the Naboo humans in The Phantom Menace…ugh, Phantom Menace…).
Since this movie is full of action and adventure, the Clones arrive to the town and start fucking shit up! The Killiks fight back, our heroes escape the fray. Killiks escape as well. This would lead us to a great set-piece where our heroes could run through the ruins of Alderaan (let’s say there’s some ruins). The ruins could be crumbling and breaking all over. Eventually, our team splits up and there’s A LOT of action here. Maybe even some bonding between Anakin and Elise, yea? Hmm…Eventually, our heroes get away and FINALLY reach the capital.
They meet King Gordon Organa, who is a nice dude with a big problem. He is happy to see his son, but disappointed that his son ran away. (Bail’s flaw, and arch for this movie, could be that he is reluctant to step up to his responsibilities as Prince and leader.) Our heroes maybe deliver what was theirs to deliver, or somehow do what they were supposed to (fix something, etc.), and are told they can leave if they want. Elise’s ship has been serviced and they all decide to leave, having done their job.
The heroes reach the ship, but just as the clone ships are flying overhead. Our team could leave, but they all know what they SHOULD do. They all decided to stay and help out in a nice little scene set with music. (Like that scene 2004’s “King Arthur” when all Arthur’s knights come back for the last battle).
All right, so we’re almost at the end here. I don’t know the specifics of the battle (all that could be planned out later), but during the fighting, Valroum makes himself present. As does his aide, named Kyrisa (which I’ll get too later). Valorum could perhaps have a sword of lightsaber himself (we gotta have a sword-fight, y’know?) The fighting is intense and all, but the Clones are way stronger. Just when the battle seems lost, the Killiks come to help out. This is when Anakin steps up and does something heroic (like Luke using the Force in Episode IV, or Neo believing in himself in “The Matrix”, for example) Anakin uses the Force or believes in himself (as heroic protagonists should during their apotheosis) and saves the day. Bail Organa also steps up and leads his people. The Clones are thwarted, but Valorum gets away. His aide, Kyrisa, goes down in a badass way, but does not survive.
With the clone threat stopped, the Alderaanians and our heroes celebrate. Triumphant music plays over a joyous outro in which all are alive, Anakin and Elise are smiley and cute, and the Killiks and Alderaanians make peace. It should be a feel-good movie ending. (Much like the ending of Episode IV is a happy one). So, with our heroes celebrating and the triumphant music, we iris out to the credits. That’s the end of Episode I.
Now, let me be the first to tell ya that this is definitely not the final draft of the script. I would actually like to add in some Alderaan scenes, which could be scenes in which Kyrisa, the head-edged aide to Valroum (and main aggressor in the Alderaan attack), talks with King Gordon and wants him to sign a treaty or surrender. Here, we could learn that Prince Organa has gone missing and so on. I didn’t include these into the summary above because peppering in these scenes can get tricky, and detailed structuring is something to be done further down the road. So yea, maybe some “bad guy” scenes, where we see the trials of the Alderaanian people and the bad guys do some crappy, mean stuff. But as I said, all fine-tuning and polishing would be done later.
ABOUT VISUAL DESIGN…
Just a quick little aside about visual design. As I stated previously, A LOT annoys me about the prequels. Another thing, besides the story fucking-up-ness, is that they prequels don’t look A DAMN THING like the old movies. So, to bring it back to its original design, everything would look as it did in the originals. I’m not saying there couldn’t be CG, just not EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS. And I’m not gonna be a Palpatine about it either. I’m just saying if you want people to register that your new movie is in the same series as the old ones, you should at least have them LOOK THEM SAME.
The Star Wars universe was cool because it was dirty, and blocky, and quasi-industrial. It wasn’t all shiny and nice and smooth. The shiny-ness of Lucas’ prequel films (for me, at least), creates a visual disconnect between the two trilogies. Visual disconnects and continuity errors are bad…y’know? But whatever.
All right, I’ve kept you here long enough…so that’s my idea for a re-envisioned Star Wars: Episode One. In my mind, I see old, crappy, blocky ships (like the Millenium Falcon), retro trooper costumes, and the old style of clothes. I also see Switzerland being used for Alderaan. I see lightsabers looking how they did in the first versions of the films, with ever-changing width of blade. I hear old phrases like “bucket head”, “bucket of bolts”, and “piece of junk” and so on. Oh, and I see hyperspace lines. (They weren’t in the prequels once).
It’s all wishful thinking, but it was fun (for someone who both loves Star Wars and narrative structure). I tried my best to set things up for the six-movie saga, as well as make it a good movie at the same time. The point is that we had a good time: that we like Anakin and Obi-Wan, and that we like Elise and Anakin together. We started on a desert planet, evaded bad guys, met an alien, a droid, a pilot girl, a prince and a king, and fought in a battle against evil that united a divided people. Sounds like a good time at the movies to me. At least better than, y’know…”will you defer a motion to allow a comission to explore the validity of your accusations”…
So yea, comment below with your thoughts. Feel free to point out any inconsistencies (I tried my best!). Feel free to say you loved it or hated it. I really don’t mind. I just thought I’d share it. Maybe I’ll do my summaries for Episode II and III a little later (yes, I’ve done all three to varying degrees).
Thanks for reading, and May the Fourth be with you!
Rammfan is a dude with an Irish name who likes to create things (visit his super-slick website here). He has been called a film writer and a musician. He has created four full-length albums of the industrial and folk metal genres in his room. His articles have appeared on Examiner.com, WhatCulture, and Durham Today. This is a nerdy blog he pwns from time to time. He rants a lot about movies, books, and Star Wars.