At least the logo was cool

But this isn’t the first time I’ve dabbled into Bond fanfic territory. Now, I hate to use the word “fan fiction” (because there is so much fucking crap associated with it), but that’s basically what it is. About six or seven years ago, I was messing around with MS Paint and made four Bond movie posters. I never ended up writing any of these adventures (nor did I really intend to), but let’s take a look back at these awful imaginings of the fanfiction universe.

1. Regal Die Today

Albert R. “Briccoli” (instead of “Brocolli”, I guess) produces Pierce Brosnan in my first shit-tastic fake Bond movie. I have no idea what the plot was going to be, but apparently it was to involve fire, Kate Beckinsale, and Naomi Watts. I think the villain’s name was going to be “Regal”, or “Mr. Regal” or something, because Regal Cinemas took over our local awesome movie theatre and turned it into a shitty one, much to the disdain of us in town (so much so, one resident made them the villain in a fake James Bond movie poster! Rrr!).

Kate Beckinsale and Naomi Watts (with words from a magazine still in her hair, apparently) were to be the Bond girls, but it was also to feature Stellan Skarsgard and Viggo Mortensen. I can only see Stellan Skarsgard being the villain of the piece, with Viggo either being an ally or the silent henchman. Wasn’t Viggo an assassin in “The Perfect Murder”? I have no clue who Naomi Watts or Kate would play, but whatever, who cares? This is stupid.

2. In Gold Blood

Oh, how clever! Get it? Instead of “In Cold Blood?” Get it. What a stupid title. Oh well.

This was to once again feature Pierce Brosnan as 007, this time, tracking down a bad guy who was trying to raise the spirits of Valhalla to try and take over the world. I know, dabbling a bit too much into fantasy, but if Bond can go to space in Moonraker, why couldn’t a guy bring an army of Einherjar to the world? (Wait, “Einherjar” is actually a pretty cool title…hmmm…)

This was to feature Natalie Portman because she was “hot” and because I was a huge Star Wars geek (well, still am…but whatever). The other girl is unknown, but if I remember correctly, she’s a porn actress, which is just what any producer would want for their serious Bond movie. Oh well, maybe she could be the henchwoman who just kills people and doesn’t say anything (name: Odd-handjob?). When looking down at the names on the bottom, I see that “Jaquin Pheonix” was going to star in it (in no relation to “Joaquin Pheonix,” y’know, the actor). I was probably really impressed with Pheonix’s villanous performance in Gladiator and decided to stick him in here, so much so that I spelled his name wrong.

There was also going to be Johnny Depp in the movie. Why the hell is he in here? Maybe he could play Felix Leiter, or another American agent. Or would he be a villain? Or like some crazy drug dealer guy like Gary Oldman in True Romance? I don’t know, of late, Johnny Depp seems to fit playing only fucking weirdos. Hell, why not just stick Jack Sparrow into the movie? I mean, we already have the spirits of Valhalla. Goodness gracious, this is a bad idea.

3. Midnight to Kill

Wow. Yikes. This time, the gray-ish haired Bond would be sent to protect some hot babe from a bunch of bounty hunters trying to kill her. I never knew why they were trying to kill her, but I just knew that the reward/bounty would have a time limit, which was MIDNIGHT on some day or whatever. Not very developed, but then again, none of these are.

This is a somewhat interesting idea, save for the fact it has no details and no real “bad guy going to take over the world” aspect, which Bond movies are kind of known for. Even “The Man With the Golden Gun”, which features a bounty hunter (or hitman or whatever), had a plot about using solar power for big-ass weapons. So, maybe, like, this girl Bond’s supposed to be protecting could, I don’t know, have some codes to stop a large terrorist plan or something, and they’ve posted some crazy reward for her head? I have no idea. I just know that Bond would kill them all, and then he’d sleep with the main heroine, because he’s Bond.

Apparently Virginie Leydoyen was going to be bounty hunting (and in a bikini, I guess). Jean Reno would probably be a bounty hunter as well, because the only person I can see being a villain in this is just a REALLY good bounty hunter that Bond would have to outwit (like Francisco Scaramanga in “Man with the Golden Gun”, hmm…).

The background of the poster shows a city, which I think is actually just a really stretched and blurry picture of the Star Wars prequels’ Coruscant. So, it’d take place in a city, and for some reason, I always imagined it’d take place during the course of one day or something. A little deviant from the Bond formula of traveling around the world and going to exotic locales, but, if done right, it…nah, it’d probably still suck.

4. Paradise Frost

Get it? Paradise Frost? Whatever. So, Miranda Frost from “Die Another Day” returns from the dead, I suppose, and is after Bond for killing that Asian guy who became a British guy and used a laser and whatever the fuck happened in “Die Another Day”. That movie sucked.

Anyway, Miranda Frost would be back and after Bond, or trying to take over the world or something. The hot girl on the right (who is on the poster as “some other hot babe”) was to be Miranda’s sister, an ally to Bond who would know exactly how to stop Miranda. And then…wait, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I have no clue in my mind why I would want to make a spin-off of “Die Another Day”. Maybe if this one was good, it’d redeem the other? No, nothing will ever redeem that Madonna song. Even though this story and idea is totally lame, I do like the poster’s blue, icy, dark color scheme and the pensive Bond.

But wait, there’s more! “From Seaside with Love”

Oh my, how could I possibly forget the 2006 production of “From Seaside with Love”? In the fall of 2006, a friend and I began filming “From Seaside with Love”, a spoofy Bond flick in which all our dorm buddies starred. I didn’t come up with the plot about Daniel Shotwell smuggling laser inside chinchillas, but I was co-director. Not only were we innovators with the first dark-skinned James Bond, but we were the first to film the entire thing on a college campus and give Mr. Bond a daughter? Wait, what? Unfortunately, the movie never got finished, and the tapes are off in obsolete-technology land (which is right next to “old project tapes” land). Luckily (or not so luckily), there is some surviving material to show that this ever took place.

Here are two amazing posters. I made this one, which is perhaps the worst poster in the history of posters:

Good Lord…

And here is a second one, based off the old cover of “From Russia with Love”:

Note “Placeholder” in the top left..yeaa..

Oh goodness. Just in case that wasn’t enough for you…the trailer:

In Conclusion:

If you’re a Bond fan, I bet you’re wanting me to be fed to Sanchez’s shark, but let me plead with you that all such people make terrible crap in their teens. I’m not saying EVERYBODY does, but most of us write terrible Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Harry Potter fanfic to get us going. Thank goodness I never wrote any of that (seriously, Star Wars fanfic is SO LAME). Maybe if my new Bond spec is good enough, I’ll post it up here for everyone or no one to read. Hey, that kinda sounds like a Bond title… “Everyone or no one”…to MS PAINT!

“Hello there” I say to you, as Obi Wan (Ben) Kenobi said to R2-D2 upon meeting him (he’s a guy, right?) in Episode IV. Also, happy Star Wars day! May the Fourth be with you! As you might have noticed by now, I am buzzing from some brews. Hopefully this will not be detrimental to the thing I am currently writing, which has taken many a hour of brainstorming and research (looking up crap on Wookiepedia).

So, what am doing here? Well, let briefly tell you. I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with the Star Wars prequels. One time I would watch them, they’d be fine. The next time, it wouldn’t connect and I’d hate them. It’s like sometimes, chow mein hits the spot, other times, you’re like “meh.” Anyway, this all changed about two summers ago when my friends and I decided to watch all six Star Wars movies, I-VI, in order over the course of six nights. While it was fun, there was a startling realization, and that realization was that the Star Wars prequels are TERRIBLE. Before you go on commenting and getting all upset and shit, let me first say that this all my own opinion and that we can debate this in a nice, friendly way. Secondly, let me say why I think the Star Wars prequels are absolute rubbish.

Why the Star Wars Prequels are Absolute Rubbish

Alright, let me BRIEFLY explain why I think the Star Wars prequels, in comparison to the original trilogy, are abosulte crap. Let me first say that it’s NOT the actors’ fault. Nearly everyone in these movies is a good actor. Natalie Portman is great and won an Oscar. Ewan McGregor kicks ass. Liam Neeson rocks it in every movie (hey, he even rocked The Phantom Menace). Even Hayden Christensen, who people seem to hate, is a pretty decent actor. Watch him in “Life as a House”. He’s good in it, seriously! Christopher Lee is a goddamn legend, and he was like “murr” in the prequels. Samuel L. Jackson is good, too. Seriously, these are all good, talented actors, so I’m not going to bag on them. It’s not their fault.

Many things bug me about the prequels (like, almost everything), but what annoys me the most is the complete disregard for continuity in the overall story of the Star Wars saga. But you might be asking “But Rammfan, Anakin turned into Vader, so what’s the problem?” Well, sure, that was the point of the prequels…but the prequels sure do mess up a lot of shit and cause a lot of continuity issues. I’ll provide a couple examples (from the many):

*In Episode IV, Leia, in her recording, states “General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.” In the prequels, Kenobi never served Bail Organa. Sure, they knew each other, but he never served him, like, ever. (Unless, he, y’know, served him…)

*In Episode IV, Obi-Wan and Luke are discussing the past when Obi-Wan talks about Luke’s father and uncle. Luke explains that his father was a navigator on a spice freighter. Obi-Wan tells him “That’s your uncle talking. He didn’t hold with your father’s ideals, thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved.” Additionally, he explains that Uncle Owen didn’t let him give Luke’s lightsaber because he might “follow old Obi-Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade like your father did.” Now, since I am a human and believe things people say (especially wise sages), I reckon that Owen DIDN’T HOLD WITH ANAKIN’S IDEALS AND THOUGHT HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED ON TATOOINE AND NOT GOTTEN INVOLVED. Additionally, Anakin probably FOLLOWED OBI-WAN ON SOME DAMN FOOL IDEALISTIC CRUSADE. This might explains Owen’s animosity toward Obi-Wan in Episode IV. So by now you’re like “Ok, so why is this a problem?”

Well, in the prequels, Anakin is a nine year old boy when he is whisked from his planet by Qui-Gon Jinn, who, if you notice, isn’t Obi-Wan Kenobi. Anakin leaves and goes to be a Jedi. Anakin doesn’t even meet Uncle Owen until TEN YEARS LATER, when he’s already a Jedi (and been one for like ten years). AND,Uncle Owen doesn’t meet Obi-Wan Kenobi until like two years later, when Kenobi drops off baby Luke to the Lars homestead. So, my question is, how the fuck can Owen not hold with Anakin’s ideals ten years before he even knew him? (And if he’s like eleven years old). “Y’know…Anakin, you shouldn’t have become a Jedi ten years ago…” Like, hello! Obviously no fact-checkin’ going on.

*In Episode IV, Admiral Motti says “Don’t try to freighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel’s hidden fort-” He stops talking because Vader chokes him with the Force like a biotch. But did you notice the words? SORCERER, RELIGION, CONJURE, CLAIRVOYANCE…Obi-Wan is referred to as a “crazy old wizard.” WIZARD. Get it? In Episode V, Yoda explains the Force as something spiritual. “Luminous beings are we” says he. Then in the prequels we get the explanation that the Force is due to midi-chlorians, stupid little cell-craps in your bloodstream. Wait, what?

Guess you were wrong, idiot

*”Sith” is never mentioned in the original trilogy. Not once. Neither is “Coruscant”.

*We never learn why Obi-Wan is known as “Ben” in the originals by non-Jedi characters. When did he adopt the name, and why?

So yea, that’s just a couple ways in which the plotlines of the prequels contradict those of the original trilogy. Defend them all you want, it still doesn’t make sense. And don’t try and say that it was explained in a book or comic or whatever, because IT SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE. These movies, all six of them, should be self-contained and MAKE SENSE all on their own.

It’s not bad enough that the prequels don’t make sense with the prequels, but sometimes they even lose track of their own subplots. For example, in Episode II, Kenobi goes to Kamino to investigate a mysterious dart. He meets some aliens there who tell them that Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas ordered the creation of a clone army for the Repbulic ten years prior (when Episode I took place). Obi-Wan says that Master Sifo-Dyas was killed ten years ago…ok. (This is the first scene in which he is mentioned in any movie) Obi-Wan checks out the clone army and it’s cool or whatever and the clones are used in the war. That’s fine and dandy, but I always wanted to know who Sifo-Dyas was. He died ten years earlier, was it Qui-Gon? In the Episode II commentary, George Lucas states that we wouldn’t know until Episode III. Well, Sifo-Dyas isn’t mentioned at all in Episode III (or in ANY other movie). So, George said he was gonna tell us, but he never did. (Just like how he said he was gonna make like twelve Star Wars movies, but never did. Or how he said he was going to make “smaller, artsy” pictures, but never did.) Anyway, like, what the fuck? These movies are a damn mess.

As I just said, the prequels are a damn mess. There are so many other things wrong with them, but I think I’ll stop here. I don’t want to get too carried away (which can happen when I’m talking about Star Wars). So, without further ado, here we on to the next part of this article, PLANNING A NEW PREQUEL TRILOGY.

Planning a New Prequel Trilogy

As I left my friends house after Episode VI, I realized that the prequels could have been done WAY BETTER. (Let me say that I know I’m not the first person to re-envision the Star Wars prequels. There are NUMEROUS fans who have done the same, and I have read a lot of them, but have to say I have never found any I really liked. But anyway, back to my thingy).

So, a new Star Wars prequel trilogy. A lot of people, when trying to re-envision the prequels will change one thing here, or one thing there, but keep the essential plot of the film. Not me. We have to throw out EVERYTHING and start clean. It’s like Hoarders…we just gotta throw it all out and start new. Seriously.

My first thoughts were to get keep politics to a bare minimum. I hate politics and I hate talking about them, and I definitely don’t want them in fun space-adventure movies. (“Politics” and “fun” don’t have anything in common, just sayin’). Secondly, make Bail Organa a bigger character. In the prequels, he was only in two of the movies, and he didn’t even really do ANYTHING. At the end of Episode III, when he decides to take Leia, I’m like “wait, who’s this guy?” Just some Senator? He was in like five scenes…like, what the fuck? So yea, make him a bigger character (maybe like Lando was in the originals), or something. Thirdly, have Alderaan be the prequels more than 45 seconds. Seriously, it’s in all three of the prequels for FORTY-FIVE SECONDS. Fourthly, don’t have shit that’s not mentioned to or alluded to in the originals have a prominent role in the prequels (I’m looking at you, Coruscant).

But lastly, turn Star Wars back into a space adventure, or space opera, with fun, and adventure, and danger, and aliens, and good and evil! Don’t make them “political thrillers” with some action scenes. Why are they even any scenes in the Senate at all? Are we watching C-SPAN or Star Wars? You might say that the originals were also about politics and the ruling of a galaxy, but tell me how many scenes in the originals took place in the Senate? How many?! (The answer is ZERO).

snore

Also, turn the tone from “kid’s movie” into, just, like, an “everyone movie.” You might defend that the originals were geared toward children, and sure, lots of light-hearted adventure stuff is, but they were by no means “kid’s movies” in terms of stupid fart or poop jokes, or anything that could be seen in these movies. They were enjoyable for everyone. Take “Hugo” for example. It’s labeled a children’s movie, but everyone can enjoy it. Adults and kids alike. There’s tons of movies like this, and Star Wars should be one of those.

So, right, those were my first ideas…but also made myself some rules, those being:

*Make completely coherent prequels, where nothing established in the original trilogy is contradicted. (To the best of my ability, of course. I might have forgotten something, but I tried not to).

*Nothing can be made into a toy (to prevent stupid shit from being in the movie just to sell toys).

*No stupid shoe-horning of characters or things (if something or someone does appear in the prequels, I have to justify it, and do so well. No Boba Fett in these, baby).

All right, all right, now I’ll stop rambling and get to it. Since I’m a little TIPSAY and it’s late (and this fucking long already) I’m just going to summarize my idea for a re-imagined Episode I. (Maybe I’ll do my version of Episode II next year…or whenever I feel like it). But anyway, it’s about time I’ve started this. So, as General Calrissian said “Here goes nothing!”

EPISODE ONE: RE-IMAGINED

All right, here we are. My vision of the new Star Wars: Episode One, done in a suitable fashion. Remember, lots of action, adventure, and fun!

All right, I see the movie as being called something like “Will of the Force” or “Way of the Force,” because, I dunno, I couldn’t think of something better, and kind of sounds like an adventure flick and is generic enough for the simple adventure film that is to follow. The opening crawl of the movie would state the following:

The galaxy is in unrest. The Galactic Republic stands divided under constant attacks by the rouge group of attacking Clones. Sitting between the Clones and the Republic is the peaceful planet Alderaan, which is under threat from the Clones. In response to the threat, the Republic has sent two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice, to resolve the matter… (it’d just be worded way better).

Something like that. There’s a war between a divided Republic and some faction using Clones. Alderaan is under attack due to strategic positioning. The Republic sends Jedi to take care of it. See how simple that plot is? No trade routes, no federations, no blockades. Fuck yea.

All right, so the letters go into space the camera pans down to show a Republic crusier or some big Republic ship flying through space. Everything seems hunky-dory, until clone ships start attacking it.

On the ship, two guys, a young guy with a beard, and an older guy with a beard, run around as alarms go off. The two run to the bridge, or something, where a larger Clone ship comes into view. The big Clone baddie, who I’ve named Valorum (ok, I guess I took ONE thing from the prequels) asks the Republic ship their destination. The Republic ship lies and says they’re getting burgers on Bespin or something. Valorum asks if there are any Jedi on the ship, for his intelligence gave him info about a ship going to Alderaan with Jedi. The Republic people lie again. Valroum doesn’t buy it and begins destroying the ship. Everyone is like “fuuuu!” and they abandon the ship. Our two bearded guys run into small escape craft with some twenty others or so. They blast out of the main ship, which explodes (perhaps) behind them. Even though they escaped, they are tracked by fighters. Their ship fights back and there’s a cool action scene or whatever. Eventually, the fighters are eliminated, but the escape ship has taken so much damage that it crash-lands on a desert planet. Oh dayumn!

1970′s beard for the win!

This is when the film would switch to a dude working on some moisture evaporator. Since they never used this scene in the original trilogy, I think it’d make a great introduction to Anakin.

Afterward, Anakin goes to tell his friends about the battle he has scene, and they think he is lame.

I think this is VERY important to show that Anakin is a loser. I mean, think about it. When we first meet Luke, he’s feeling down. In the Matrix, Neo is having a tough time at work. Harry Potter is a loser at the beginning of his tale. And so, Anakin shall be at the beginning.

All right, so switch back to the party walking around in the desert. Our young guy and old guy are just chilling as the others complain. Our young guy asks the de facto leader of the group why their ship was attacked. He explains it was because the Clones (or faction name) thought there were Jedi on the flight. The young man asks what Jedi are, and the man explains that they are guardians of peace and justice who use the Force, and use lightsabers. (Basically a re-introduction to the Jedi and the Force in a simple way).

Anakin returns back to his house after being made fun of by his friends. There, he meets his sister Beru Skywalker (yes, I said sister!) and her boyfriend Owen Lars. As we learn, Anakin and Beru moved in with him after Skywalker parents were killed in a previous Clone attack. As compensation, Anakin has to work and help with farming and shit.

So, Anakin returns home and Owen asks him if he got this task done or that task done, but Anakin says no. When an annoyed Owen asks why, Anakin explains because there was a battle and it was exciting and – But Owen cuts him off, and tells him that there is no good in wondering about the war because Tatooine is the place for him and he should just worry about his duties and stop dreaming. (Note that Owen is in no way to be mean, just realistic. Anakin, more a dreamer.) Beru is sympathetic to her brother (as she was to Luke in IV). Anakin, now crushed with the realization he’s a loser farmer, goes off to the garage. Owen states that he can’t just fly away from all his problems. Anakin doesn’t listen and instead takes off in his T-16 Skyhopper.

Ahh!!

Meanwhile, the group in the desert are tired and bleh. It is now, when they seem like giving up, that they are attacked by a MONSTER! (Maybe a Krayt Dragon? There was a Krayt Dragon skeleton in Episode IV, but remember, let’s keep these to a minimum). So, this monster attacks them and our two bearded guys bust out their LIGHTSABERS. Ahhh shit! THEY’RE THE JEDI! The monster kills all the other people (for convenience!), but the Jedi are resilient. Nevertheless, the monster seems to have them, but here comes Anakin in his Skyhopper, shooting the monster and helping them out. When the monster is dead, Anakin lands his T-16 by them and introduces himself. The older man introduces himself as Krayos. (“Krayos” was a name taken from one of the early drafts of Star Wars, in like ’75 or something). The younger one says his name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Ohhhh shiii! Anakin tells them that night is coming and that he can stay with him. His sister’s bf might be a dick about it, but they can come.

On their trip back, Anakin flies them through Beggar’s Canyon, which is pretty dangerous. Although the Jedi seem scurred at first, Anakin is a great pilot. He weaves around the canyon like he was born to do it. Maybe we could have “The Force” theme playing through here. Obi-Wan and Krayos share a knowing glance.

I hope it looks JUST like this

The Jedi arrive at Owen’s place, which is in the city Anchorhead. Anakin brings the two Jedi and Owen’s like “strangers..hurr…”, but Beru is pleasant. At the Lars’ place, Krayos and Kenobi discuss Anakin. It’s totally obvious that he is strong in the Force. He was usin’ it to fly through the canyon, although he probably doesn’t even know he’s doing it. They both felt it, but don’t know how to act on it yet.

Afterwards, they all have dinner (or play cards or Twister or something) and discuss some shit. Mostly, the conversation is about the war and the status of the Republic. It is here we learn the Republic is split into two: The Old Republic, who supports the Jedi and wants a peaceful resolution, and the New Order, spearheaded by Senator Palpatine. The New Order doesn’t rely on the Jedi so much and sees their religion as “foolish.” Owen and Beru respond with their opinions, but whatever, that could be all written later or whatever. Owen asks them how they came to be here on Tatooine, and they explain they are on their way to Alderaan. Somehow, it comes out that they are Jedi. Owen nearly spits out his soup. Harboring Jedi is totes dangerous nowadays, what with the Clones hunting them and the New Order not supporting them. Owen doesn’t believe in the Force, but Anakin does. This is when Kenobi and Krayos explain Anakin is strong in the Force and that he should become a Jedi. Anakin gets all excited. Owen tells them not to fill his head with such dreams and that he shouldn’t go with them (remember, didn’t hold with your father’s ideals…thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved…). Owen says he wants the Jedi gone, but Anakin and Beru convince him to let them stay them night.

The next morning, the city is under attack by evil Clone Troopers! Lasers and shit are flying everywhere as the Anchorhead militia are fighting back. Anakin wakes up the Jedi and tells them the baddies are here. The two spring to action and shit. Owen is all mad at them for bringing the Clones to their town. The Jedi feel bad and flee, but not before asking Anakin one last time if he wants to go with them. Anakin now has like 0.003 parsecs to make a decision. He looks to the Jedi, he looks to his old family. Beru is encouraging, but Owen isn’t as much. Anakin decides to go with the Jedi. Before they can totally run away, Owen and Beru both give him a hug. Owen tells him even to be safe. (I want Owen to care for Anakin…that is why he could be such a hard-ass. Beru would always be supportive of her younger brother.) The Jedi run away and Owen shoots some lasers.

Now the Jedi are running through the streets witht heir new buddy, Anakin Skywalker. Anakin says they could get a ship out of here from the Mayor’s house (or the Baron’s house, or someone’s house) because he or she has a bunch of ships because he or she is rich.

So they go running through Anchorhead, evading enemy troopers the entire time. This could be a fun scene, like where they run along the rooftops and go through people’s houses and mess shit up (like people playing chess or something) while being persued, etc. Eventually, they reach the Baron’s house or whatever and see a bunch of ships. They jump to the nearest one, even though it’s a “bucket-of-bolts”, and get inside. Anakin goes into the cockpit and fires the thing up. Kenobi and Krayos get on and they escape Tatooine. Yay!

So, our heroes have successfully escaped Tatooine in a stolen ship. (Reminiscent of Jack Sparrow and Will Turner stealing a ship in the first “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie. It can be done in a fun, adventurous way). So, anyway, Anakin sets the course for Alderaan, all three of them in the cockpit. Then, they all smell something. Someone asks about the smell, when they hear a beastly snort from behind them. The large humanoid monster is a green-skinned alien (maybe like a raptor). All three of them scream in fear. (Han Solo was first envisioned to be a green-skinned alien. I decided to have this character be such to pay homage to that image. Additionally, I wanted an alien to be there so that I could show the camaraderie between aliens and humans in the story. Yay theme! And you always need a Chewbacca.) So, this alien yanks them out of the cockpit and throws them into the “living room” part (where everyone chills) of the ship. Anakin just has time to look up to see a female look down at him and say “What are you doing aboard MY ship?” Dun dun dun.

She could wearin’ somethin’ like this

So, we learn that this ship belongs to Elise Whitesun. (Of course, none of these names are final. I just like the name Elise, and think Whitesun, which is, in the real Star Wars canon, used as Aunt Beru’s last name, is a good name for this female.) Her green-skinned friend is named Jamillia (I think this was a name used in the original drafts of Star Wars. George Lucas used it in Episode II for the name of the Naboo Queen at that time, Queen Jamillia.) Elise is a whipper-snapper, one could say, and dressed in pilot’s clothes. On her wrists, she wears long fingerless gloves and ALWAYS wears them. (This is important to her character, but won’t be revealed until Episode II).

Elise doesn’t state what her and Jamillia are, or what they were doing on Tatooine, but she tells them quite succinctly that she wants them gone. She agress to see them to Alderaan, but then she is leaving them and “never wants to see them again.” We can tell, of course, that she likes Anakin, though.

A little later, Obi-Wan and Krayos are moving things with the Force, teaching Anakin a bit. Anakin tries moving some stuff with the Force, but he is so good at it, he moves a secret panel of the ship, a droid stashed inside that faceplants to the ground. (Comedy!) Not even Elise knew it was there, and they promptly plug everything back together. The droid comes back to life (or powers on or whatever) and asks “Are they coming? Are they coming?!” Then he could look at our buddies and ask “who are you?” (The droid could be a female, too, but for now, I’ll keep saying “he”)

Old-school-looking droid ftw as well.

Turns out that this droid is Z6, who was the droid of a smuggler, and stashed into the ship during a raid like 100 years ago. He is startled to learn the state of Republic. (He could probably provide info about the Jedi and the Republic and the relationship they had 100 years prior). Soon after, they arrive at Alderaan, but it is surrounded by Clone ships! Ahh fuu!

What follows is another action scene. Anakin grabs the controls, Elise arguing with him that she should pilot. They comedically bicker fight over to the controls, which worries the others. The Clone ships shoot at them, but Anakin is the best star pilot in the galaxy (Obi-Wan said so in Episode IV) and they get through, although their ship is severely damaged. They crash-land in the forest of Alderaan. The Jedi and Anakin are pleased, but Elise is not. She goes on about how her ship is damaged and cannot take off again. The Jedi remind her it’d be tough to get away anyway with all the Clone ships. The Jedi say they have to go to the capital city to meet Gordon, the Alderaanian king. (Gordon Organa was a name in the early draft of Star Wars, so I’m using it here). Elise decides to come along to see that they get the parts for her ship, but we all really know she’s going because she likes them, especially Anakin.

Welcome to Alderaan

So, our team walks out into the wilderness of Alderaan, trying to make their way to the capital. There’s some arguing and slight flirting by Anakin and Elise, what with him perhaps insulting her ship and her getting mad about it. It’s not long before our group of heroes is attacked once again by some crazy lizards or some other monsters. (When writing the Indiana Jones movies, Lucas said that Indiana Jones was a guy who was always in over his head. I feel like our company should be the same way. That always seems to make for good adventure movies, as well.)

Our team seems to be in a dire situation, when they are saved my a thermal detonator being thrown from above and going off. The monsters flee, and our company looks up to see some rouge-ish human male about the same age as Anakin and Elise. This young man is confident and a little swashbuckly (but not a direct clone of Han Solo). The man comes forward and talks with them, but before the man can introduce himself, our group has a net dropped on them. The natives of Alderaan, the Killiks, surround them, spears in hand. (Killiks is, in the Star Wars universe, the name of some weird bugs indigenous to Alderaan. I needed a name so I chose this one, but of course, all could be changed later).

So now, our group is being led away with hoods over their heads by this barbaric tribe. They are brought back to the barbarian base or town or whatever. Horns are blown and shit and there’s a big meeting in town, the leader sitting upon a grand chair. The leader of the Killiks, who’ll just name now as Whatever Dude (haven’t thought of a Star Wars-y name yet), reveals a giant pit and a monster inside. It looks like our heroes will be put to death for tresspassing. Then, the Killiks take their hoods off. The Killiks cheer as they see the faces of those they are about to squash. But when they take off the rouge-ish man’s hood, all drumming and hollering stops. Whatever dude commands them to stop and set them free. This rouge-ish guy is Prince Bail Organa. The members of the company (and hopefully the audience) are like “whaaa?”

Whatever Dude is displeased his lands have been tread upon, but he agrees to send the Prince and his friends back to the capital safely if further trespassing won’t happen. Prince Organa agrees, and says he’ll lead the visitors away. Our heroes explain to the Killiks that the Clone baddies are coming to destroy their planet, but they don’t care and think they are strong enough for any threat. This is when we learn that there is a rift between the city folk and the barbaric folk of Alderaan (sort of like Gunguns and the Naboo humans in The Phantom Menace…ugh, Phantom Menace…).

Since this movie is full of action and adventure, the Clones arrive to the town and start fucking shit up! The Killiks fight back, our heroes escape the fray. Killiks escape as well. This would lead us to a great set-piece where our heroes could run through the ruins of Alderaan (let’s say there’s some ruins). The ruins could be crumbling and breaking all over. Eventually, our team splits up and there’s A LOT of action here. Maybe even some bonding between Anakin and Elise, yea? Hmm…Eventually, our heroes get away and FINALLY reach the capital.

Alderaan capital city, as drawn by Ralph McQuarrie

They meet King Gordon Organa, who is a nice dude with a big problem. He is happy to see his son, but disappointed that his son ran away. (Bail’s flaw, and arch for this movie, could be that he is reluctant to step up to his responsibilities as Prince and leader.) Our heroes maybe deliver what was theirs to deliver, or somehow do what they were supposed to (fix something, etc.), and are told they can leave if they want. Elise’s ship has been serviced and they all decide to leave, having done their job.

The heroes reach the ship, but just as the clone ships are flying overhead. Our team could leave, but they all know what they SHOULD do. They all decided to stay and help out in a nice little scene set with music. (Like that scene 2004′s “King Arthur” when all Arthur’s knights come back for the last battle).

All right, so we’re almost at the end here. I don’t know the specifics of the battle (all that could be planned out later), but during the fighting, Valroum makes himself present. As does his aide, named Kyrisa (which I’ll get too later). Valorum could perhaps have a sword of lightsaber himself (we gotta have a sword-fight, y’know?) The fighting is intense and all, but the Clones are way stronger. Just when the battle seems lost, the Killiks come to help out. This is when Anakin steps up and does something heroic (like Luke using the Force in Episode IV, or Neo believing in himself in “The Matrix”, for example) Anakin uses the Force or believes in himself (as heroic protagonists should during their apotheosis) and saves the day. Bail Organa also steps up and leads his people. The Clones are thwarted, but Valorum gets away. His aide, Kyrisa, goes down in a badass way, but does not survive.

With the clone threat stopped, the Alderaanians and our heroes celebrate. Triumphant music plays over a joyous outro in which all are alive, Anakin and Elise are smiley and cute, and the Killiks and Alderaanians make peace. It should be a feel-good movie ending. (Much like the ending of Episode IV is a happy one). So, with our heroes celebrating and the triumphant music, we iris out to the credits. That’s the end of Episode I.

SOME NOTES

Now, let me be the first to tell ya that this is definitely not the final draft of the script. I would actually like to add in some Alderaan scenes, which could be scenes in which Kyrisa, the head-edged aide to Valroum (and main aggressor in the Alderaan attack), talks with King Gordon and wants him to sign a treaty or surrender. Here, we could learn that Prince Organa has gone missing and so on. I didn’t include these into the summary above because peppering in these scenes can get tricky, and detailed structuring is something to be done further down the road. So yea, maybe some “bad guy” scenes, where we see the trials of the Alderaanian people and the bad guys do some crappy, mean stuff. But as I said, all fine-tuning and polishing would be done later.

ABOUT VISUAL DESIGN…

Just a quick little aside about visual design. As I stated previously, A LOT annoys me about the prequels. Another thing, besides the story fucking-up-ness, is that they prequels don’t look A DAMN THING like the old movies. So, to bring it back to its original design, everything would look as it did in the originals. I’m not saying there couldn’t be CG, just not EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS. And I’m not gonna be a Palpatine about it either. I’m just saying if you want people to register that your new movie is in the same series as the old ones, you should at least have them LOOK THEM SAME.

The Star Wars universe was cool because it was dirty, and blocky, and quasi-industrial. It wasn’t all shiny and nice and smooth. The shiny-ness of Lucas’ prequel films (for me, at least), creates a visual disconnect between the two trilogies. Visual disconnects and continuity errors are bad…y’know? But whatever.

WRAPPING UP

All right, I’ve kept you here long enough…so that’s my idea for a re-envisioned Star Wars: Episode One. In my mind, I see old, crappy, blocky ships (like the Millenium Falcon), retro trooper costumes, and the old style of clothes. I also see Switzerland being used for Alderaan. I see lightsabers looking how they did in the first versions of the films, with ever-changing width of blade. I hear old phrases like “bucket head”, “bucket of bolts”, and “piece of junk” and so on. Oh, and I see hyperspace lines. (They weren’t in the prequels once).

It’s all wishful thinking, but it was fun (for someone who both loves Star Wars and narrative structure). I tried my best to set things up for the six-movie saga, as well as make it a good movie at the same time. The point is that we had a good time: that we like Anakin and Obi-Wan, and that we like Elise and Anakin together. We started on a desert planet, evaded bad guys, met an alien, a droid, a pilot girl, a prince and a king, and fought in a battle against evil that united a divided people. Sounds like a good time at the movies to me. At least better than, y’know…”will you defer a motion to allow a comission to explore the validity of your accusations”…

So yea, comment below with your thoughts. Feel free to point out any inconsistencies (I tried my best!). Feel free to say you loved it or hated it. I really don’t mind. I just thought I’d share it. Maybe I’ll do my summaries for Episode II and III a little later (yes, I’ve done all three to varying degrees).

Thanks for reading, and May the Fourth be with you!

***Warning: This review contains MASSIVE spoilers for the following Star Wars titles: “Knights of the Old Republic”, “Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords”, and the new MMO, “The Old Republic”. Just thought I’d warn you all. ~Sincerely, Rammfan518***

Part I: History Lesson

To properly explain why I was so disappointed in Drew Karpyshyn’s “Star Wars: The Old Republic: Revan”, I have to provide you with some backstory about my personal experience with both the characters and the games.

On July 15, 2003, Bioware and Lucasarts released “Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic” for the XBOX, taking it to the PC a couple months later. I didn’t play it until the next year, after my buddy from high school kept talking about how fantastic it was and how I just had to play it. I can still remember us standing in the gym, dressed in our dumb white and purple gym clothes, and him raving about Revan, Bastila, and a “huge twist”. So, the next weekend, with a two-liter bottle of Shasta Cola at my side, I rented KOTOR and began to play.

Now, this isn’t a review of the game KOTOR, but let me go ahead and say that KOTOR was one of the most enjoyable game-playing experiences I’ve had. It was easy to play, the characters were interesting, the plot, engaging. Like the original Star Wars trailer says, it was an “epic of heroes and villains and aliens from a thousand worlds.”

Since I played the game as a male (you can choose to be either female or male from the beginning), I’ll explain the story from the male perspective.

KOTOR begins with a character who has lost his memory, waking up on a Republic ship that is under attack by Darth Malak’s villanous Sith. With the aid of some dude, the man escapes in an escape pod and lands on the planet Taris below, meeting Carth Onasi, a Republic pilot, and a couple of aliens who are going to help him throughout the game. Bastila Shan, a Jedi who was on the ship as well, is somewhere on Taris, her escape pod having landed in an Unknown Place. As the man starts his adventure, he has dreams of an event on a starship, showing Jedi hottie yelling something and fighting a man named Revan.

Upon finding Bastila, you learn that you and her have a special bond in the Force, a connection that at first seems unexplainable. In time, you learn that Revan was a Sith Lord, whom Bastila defeated on his ship a while back. Revan and Malak were both great Jedi, but they disobeyed the Jedi Order and fought in the bloody Mandalorian Wars. Revan and Malak were victorious, but Malak and Revan disappeared for a bit. When the two returned, Malak and Revan with evil-ass motherfuckers who were coming to destroy the Republic.

Malak (left) and Revan (right) return as Sith baddies

Revan and Malak swept across the galaxy with their new army. Bastila was sent with a Jedi strike team to go and capture Revan. In a massive battle, Bastila and her team boarded Revan’s flagship, but before they could engage them, Malak betrayed his buddy and fired on his ship. This left Revan unconscious, clinging to life.

Bastila with a knocked-out Revan

Midway through the game, the man learns that HE is Revan, the evil dark lord, who’s had his memory wiped and was trained to be good again. Bastila preserved his mind and body through the Force, keeping him alive. Thus, the Force Bond is explained.

When playing the game, you are then given the choice to follow the path of light and deny your old evil ways, or you can choose to reclaim your title as ultimate fucker and join the dark side. Following the canonical version of the story, the new Revan chooses to be good, and if you play it a certain way, Bastila and Revan fall in love. Bastila will deny having any feelings for you, even though she admits it and stumbles over her words from time to time, angry at the emotions rushing through her. It’s a well-written love story that seems honest and organic (not like Episode II). Bastila is captured during the game and is warped to the dark side, but in the end, Revan tells her he loves her and she loves him and she’s redeemed. W00t! Revan defeats Malak and his buddies save the galaxy and they are all given a medal, woo hoo!

Near the beginning…

Toward the middle…

At the end…

As I stated earlier, KOTOR was one of the best gaming experiences I’ve ever had, and many agree. KOTOR’s characters and story won the hearts of many a Star Wars and RPG fan. Me, being a softie, enjoyed the love story, and loved Bastila so much that I put her at the top of my Top Ten Star Wars Ladies list that I made four years ago.

So, Revan was a Jedi, defied the council, fought in a war, got lost a bit, came back as a Sith Lord, got defeated by Bastila, had his memory wiped, learned to be a Jedi again, learned of his past, denied it, fell in love with Bastila, became a Jedi again, and saved the Republic. Pretty cool story.

I was excited as hell when I found out there was going to be a sequel, titled “Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords.” I couldn’t wait to play as Revan again, wondering what Bastila and the rest of the crew were up to. Well, KOTOR 2 doesn’t revolve around Revan at all, but instead about a Jedi known as the Exile who blah blah something starwarsy blah blah. So where was Reavn? Luckily, the Exile comes across some of the characters from the first game, who mention Revan and explain what happened to him after the events of KOTOR.

Canderous Ordo, the Mandalorian dude from the first game, had this to say “After defeating Malak, Revan made the decision that he would travel to the Unknown Regions. He was searching for something. I wanted to go with him. I respected him, knew he could use me where he was going. But Revan refused, saying he must travel alone,” and later went on to say “Revan never said what he was looking for, or what to be ready for. I don’t know if I’ll ever know.” Later, the Exile stumbles upon a recording in T3, Revan’s droid from the first game. It’s a recording of Bastila in which she says “I’m leaving this message inside you because I have seen the glimpses of the future…and the bond that he [Revan] and I share does not allow him to hide everything from me. More of his memories have returned – and they trouble him. He has remembered something on the edge of the galaxy, and he believes that he must go there and end it. But I’m afraid for him…afraid that he may not return.” She then goes on to say “I can’t lose him, even if he believes he is protecting me.” Later in the game, there is even a cameo by Bastila and Carth, discussing Revan’s disappearence, where she says “There are times I fear we shall never know why he left, Carth. And I cannot live not knowing the answer, why he sought to protect us.” To which Carth replies, “He told us to stay, to keep the Republic safe. It was important to him.”

So, Revan went off to the Unknown Regions of space, on the intuition of some unknown threat, leaving all his friends and his beloved Bastila behind. Very dramatic!

While I would have loved for KOTOR 2 to feature Bastila and Revan together, fighting off some baddies and saving the galaxy again, I was content with this “went off into self-exile” route because there was always hope in the back of my mind that he would come back. They do get back together, I know they do, I would think. As the years went on, and Star Wars released more and more things, and after not hearing about Revan for a while, I wondered if we would ever hear back from him. Wookiepedia, the Star Wars wiki, had simply said “it is not know if he ever returned.” And that’s how it was, from 2005 onwards, until a new game was announced that once again kicked up the fan speculation.

“Star Wars: The Old Republic”, a Star Wars MMO, was announced in late October 2007, with details and a title given to us a year later. The game was to be set in the era of Revan and Bastila, just 300 years after the events of the original KOTOR, making them long dead, opening up the stage for new characters. One of the first we were introduced to was Satele Shan, Grand Jedi Master, and leader of the Council.

Distant descendant of Bastila

OMG HER LAST NAME IS SHAN! THAT MUST MEAN BASTILA HAD A CHILD!!! But who was the father? As far as we knew, Revan had gone off into the netherparts of the galaxy, never to be seen again. Did he come back and did they have kids? Did Bastila have kids with someone else? Was there perhaps another Shan out there? WHO WAS THE BABYDADDY?!

While my nerdy go-to Star Wars nerd friend said it might be someone else than Revan, but I wouldn’t listen (people say I’m stubborn sometimes…) If Revan wasn’t the father of Bastila’s child, I might have turned to the dark side. Little did I know that “Star Wars: The Old Republic: Revan” would take me dangerously close.

Part II: Revan

I found out that Revan was going to be released about a month before it hit bookshelves, and I was brimming with excitement. I cannot describe the utter glee I felt that we might finally get our hero back, and that he and Bastila will get together, and that they might have kids, and then they might go on to being overused characters in many other works of Star Wars fiction like every other character (Boba Fett, anyone?). In a world in which I thought Revan was never to return, his tale was never to end, I wondered how it would happen. How would they be reunited? How would it all happen? I ran to the bookstore, saw the twenty-seven dollar price tag, and waited to get Christmas money. After the holidays, I ran back to the bookstore, picked it up and began reading.

Now, let me remind you that the last we heard of Revan, he had gone off to the Unknown Regions of space and had not been seen for quite some time. Bastila, his love interest, and all his other buddies had been left behind to wonder what happened to him. So I was a bit confused when Revan woke up in bed next to his wife in the SIXTH PARAGRAPH of the prologue. “Careful not to wake his wife, he rolled out of bed and went to the refresher to splash some cool water on his face.” Wait, he’s married? Did he marry someone in the Unknown Regions. What? A little further down, we learn that his wife is Bastila. WHAT?

So, apparently Revan has been having some bad dreams, of a storming planet, fit with lightning, thunder, and dark clouds. Bastila suggests that he should go to the Jedi Council and talk with them about it. Revan is skeptical, and Bastila replies with some sentences ending in exclamation marks which seem to come out of nowhere. Why is she yelling? Why is Bastila, the cool, sassy, emotionally grounded female suddenly loosing her cool at the drop of a hat? Oh well, whatever.

So…the book starts with Revan and Bastila married. But…wasn’t he gone in the Unknown Regions? I thought so too…don’t worry, it all clears up (sort of) a little bit later.

So now we get to the real star of the book, some character from the new “The Old Republic” video game, Lord Scourge (whatever). In the following CHAPTERS, we learn about Lord Scourge and the Sith Empire and their council and the Emperor of the Sith Empire and all that jazz. While this might be interesting, I bought this book because it was called REVAN, and that’s who I want to read about. The book goes back and forth, alternating chapters between the Sith guy and our old hero, but I personally didn’t give two shits about Scourge. Why should I care about him? I supposed these two would meet up at the end of the book, so I gritted my teeth and made it through.

Lord Scourge

Revan goes to the Jedi Temple in hopes of finding answers about his visions. While his search is in vain, he does stumble upon some information about the Exile from KOTOR 2, who’s now been given the name Meetra Surik. After going to the Archives, he meets Canderous in a bar because he had something to tell him. Canderous tells Revan that the Mandalorian tribes are looking for the mask of Mandlolore, the almighty talisman of the Mandalorians, which unites them together and signifies their leader. Canderous says that there are tons of groups of Mandalorians looking for the mask on the snowy planet Rekkiad, where Revan might have hidden it years earlier. Revan thinks it’s important to be there when the mask is found (perhaps a clue to finding this stormy planet), so Revan and Canderous make plans to go to Rekkiad and look for it, I guess. Ok…

When Revan returns home, Bastila tells him she is pregnant, which is cool, I guess, but I’m still wondering why no one has ever mentioned that he was gone to the Unknown Regions. What the fuck? Revan tells her that he must go to Rekkiad to find out what his visions mean, so he might ensure peace for her and their unborn child. Lame. So, Bastila escorts her husband and T3 to the spaceport and watches the good ol’ Ebon Hawk take flight, pregnant with his child. Doesn’t that seem, I dunno, kind of dickish? Oh well.

So Canderous and Revan go out to Rekkiad, and there’s a chapter of them, then a chapter of the Sith, then a chapter of Revan, and blah blah, Canderous finds the mask and becomes the new Mandalore. There, Revan finds a holocron or data disk or something that tells him of some Sith and he has to go to the planet Nathema. Whatever. So Revan makes his way to Nathema, when he is shot down by Lord Scourge who had just been there, thus bringing him into the enemy’s hands. Oh no! Not really…by this time, I was over the entire book, but I had to finish.

Lord Scourge tells Lord Nyriss, his superior, that he captured Revan. Lord Nyriss then explains that she knows a bit about Revan, and says that he and Malak discovered Dromund Kaas on accident years ago. This is when she says one of the stupidest things ever, establishing the fact the Sith Emperor can bend people to his will and use them as puppets, which he did so to Revan all those years ago.

So… before KOTOR I, when Revan and Malak attacked the Republic, he was being manipulated? He wasn’t even being evil? He was just a puppet the entire time? FUCKING LAME. Doesn’t that change his WHOLE CHARACTER and lessen the significance of his redemption? What the fuck? Rrrrr.

So, Lord Nyriss and Lord Scourge plan on learning all these secrets from Revan, how he’s now resisting the Emperor’s manipulation and all that, putting him in a detention cell.

Alright, so let’s get onto Part II of the book. Part Two begins with no real frills, and at first, I didn’t even notice it WAS part two. What the fuck? Look at this picture.

“Part Two” in the top right corner. Why so small?

Anyway, part two begins with the sentence: “Bastila tucked her son into bed and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek.” Huh? She have another son? Who was this kid? “At the door, she turned and looked back at him, marveling at how much the three year-old boy already looked like his father.” Oh, so the kid’s three already? Oh, ok. You think they could have at least devoted a whole page to saying “PART TWO” so I wouldn’t get all fucking confused. Anyway, whatever. So I guess it’s been three or so years since we last left off. Revan’s been captive for three years and Bastila’s been stuck raising the child. Ok…

The opening scene of part two is Bastila and Meetra talking, (god, I hate this fucking book), discussing Revan and where he went. In short, this scene brought to light that all the events in Part One were BEFORE the events of KOTOR 2 and BEFORE Revan ever went off into the Unknown Regions. So, you’re telling me that when we saw Bastila in KOTOR 2, she was already married and had a child with Revan? Man, fuck that. Fuck that like a hundred times. That’s fucking stupid.

So, now, Part Two (AFTER KOTOR 2), Bastila and Meetra meet up and Bastila wants to find Revan. Meetra suggests that she go, along with the trusty droid T3 to seek him out. Bastila does wish to go 1) but would think leaving behind her son or 2) taking him with her would be a bad idea, which actually kind of makes sense (which is good in storytelling, y’know…).

So Meetra and T3 go off and whatever and blah and fucking boring and eventually, they reach Dromund Kaas, the Sith world where Revan has been captive. Meetra manages to get a meeting with Scourge, and whatever, they agree to be allies out of circumstances because both share a common enemy, the Sith Emperor, who’s fucking cray cray and wants to destroy EVERYTHING. After a little skirmish, Scourge, Meetra, Revan, and T3 escape and head for Kaas City to confront the Emperor himself. I understand the urgency of the situation, but if I were Revan, wouldn’t I want to see MY WIFE AND CHILD first? Like…I don’t know. At least he asks about them right off the bat.

So, anyway, the three go to Kaas City and confront the Sith Emperor because he might whatever and be evil and shit. By this point, I was done. I expected that we’d get a confrontation with the Emperor, then Revan, Meetra, and T3 would escape. THEN Revan would get back to Bastila, THEN they’d live happily ever after. But I was fucking wrong.

First off on the death list is T3, the trusty droid, who’s blasted away in like three sentences. “Almost too weak to move, Revan managed to raise his head just in time to see the Emperor turn on the brave little astromech. A tremor rippled through the air as the Emperor unleashed the full power of the Force against the defenseless droid. >T3 never stood a chance. The little droid exploded into a million pieces, internal circuits and external casing obliterating in a single instant.” While Revan DOES shout “No!”, this is all we’re given for T3′s death. WHAT THE FUCK? You just kill him off in like two seconds? There’s no kind of literary equivalent of the slow-motion death? Why didn’t he just write “And the Emperor blew him up. Moving on...” Fuckin’ A.

Next up, we get Meetra. “Instead of advancing with his two companions, Scourge stepped to the side so that he was standing directly behind Meetra. There was a flicker in his consciousness as the universe snapped back to full speed, and he slid the blade of his lightsaber between her shoulders. > Meetra gasped and toppled forward, dead before she hit the ground.” …serious? You kill off T3 on page 277, and then kill off Meetra on page 279? What the fuck? Why am I getting a feeling that this author is cleaning house with these characters he doesn’t seem to have any use for? It should have just said “And since they don’t do anything else, they get killed and he dies.” Like, these are CHARACTERS that fans have come to love and appreciate, and you just throw them away? How mean!

At this point, I was about ready to throw the book across the room, but I kept going. I thought “Alright, Revan’s going to get out of here AT LEAST, get back to Bastila, inform everyone of the Sith, and then live with her and stuff.” Well, I was wrong again, for what transpires, has to be, for me, one of the most disappointing endings in any story for me ever.

Revan gets his fucking ass kicked by the two-timing Scourge (never trust a Sith, dude) and the Emperor. However, he does not die. After a page break, Revan finds himself in a sort of laboratory/prison “hovering somewhere between life and death”. He can feel the Emperor feeding off of him and his energy. We learn the Emperor wants the secrets of the Republic, and the Jedi, their ways, and so forth, so he put Revan in this stasis-prison thing where he could interrogate him seemingly forever. Ok…what?

The epilogue, however, is what really set me off. It begins with Reesa asking “Why is your hair all gray?” She’s asking this Bastila, her grandmother, who replies “Because I’m an old, old woman.” Now, hold the phone…Bastila’s fucking old now? The scene follows, their son old now, married and with children. They talk about some shit and whatever and how she misses Revan and fuck whatever who cares. YOU TELLING ME SHE NEVER SAW REVAN AGAIN?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! From the moments we saw her heartbroken in KOTOR 2, wondering why he left, wondering if he’d ever come back. . .HE DIDN’T? You’re telling me that myself, and many other Star Wars fans, waited seven years for the reunification of these two and IT NEVER CAME? WHAT THE FUCK?! Then what the fuck did I read this for?

Let me break this up for a moment to enter in the unrelated complaint that NO ONE ACTS LIKE THEY DID IN THE GAME, especially Bastila. Bastila, in the games, was sassy and tight-lipped, and resistant to show any emotion. There always was a lighter side there (perhaps an intense one), but she was always embarrassed to show it. So why in this book is she not fucking sassy or ANYTHING? All she does is sit around. SERIOUSLY? SHE’S BASTILA, not that fucking lame-o Padme. Anyway, back to me feeling shitty about the ending.

Spurred on my nerd-rage at the ending, I went to the internet and did some research. I checked up Wookiepedia’s Revan page, and this is where the biggest blow came. I learned that Revan came out of his stasis 300 years later. Wait, 300 years later? Isn’t that the same time…as the new video game? ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.

Revan in the new game :/

So, the only reason Revan was put into a stasis-prison was so that he could be in your little video game? SERIOUSLY? Why does Star Wars ALWAYS shoe-horn? ALWAYS. We love our characters, we do, but they don’t have to be in EVERYTHING, and the reasons for why they are in everything are fucking terrible. Don’t they understand that shoe-horning in characters in stories they don’t belong in sacrifices the story? Just look at the way Boba Fett was shoe-horned into Episode II and tell me it isn’t lame.

Some people have said they appreciate the tragic end to Bastila and Revan’s romance. Don’t get me wrong, I like tragic endings to love stories too (Romeo and Juliet, etc.), but not when they AREN’T warranted. If Revan or Bastila died, sacrificing themselves for one another, or their child, that would have been different. But the only reason this love story is tragic is because they wanted to put Revan in a game that takes place 300 years later. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Makes me so damn mad.

So, was this book even a story, or just a thinly veiled advertisement for the video game? YES, it IS called “The Old Republic: Revan”, but I didn’t think they could possibly fuck it up this bad. Lord Scourge is in the game, the Sith Emperor is in the game, Revan is in the game. What is this? Storytelling, or marketing? And why can’t you just do both well?

AND, apparently in the new game (in one of the modes or whatever) you confront Revan, and after defeating him, he vanishes in a bright light…and that’s it. Even Wookiepedia states: “But before the final blow could be struck, Revan disappeared in a flash of light. Not a trace of him could be found. It was unknown whether he became one with the Force or somehow managed to escape.” In another cutscene I’ve seen, Revan talks about Meetra and how she meant so much to Republic, but how, to her, she meant “…more.” Wait, are you insinuating that Revan and Meetra had a thing going on too? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Some are complaining that this “escaped in a flash of light” ending is a terrible end to Revan, and I heartily agree with that. They no doubt didn’t kill him off just so he could come back later in some other story. *Defeated sigh* Characters have their arcs, leave it at that.

So, what are they going to do with him, now? Make sure he’s in every Old Republic-era material, clone him, and put him in stasis, and then reveal there was another person pretending to be him? This is all fucking dumb. Why can’t they just end a good story when they can? Why do they gotta fuck shit up?

Part III: How I would have done it

I told my friends about this (like, all of them, sorry. friends), and they asked me how I would have done it. How would I have put Revan in a game 300 years after the events of his life? While I stressed that I NEVER WOULD BECAUSE THAT’S FUCKING STUPID, they urged me on. I thought for about a minute, sipping my beer, and came up with that some sort of Force-curse was put on him that would grant him long life. Maybe it would drain the Force from him as well, or something, but yes, granted with long life or immortality. You want a tragic ending? How fucking tragic would it be for Revan to come back home and see his wife and child, and all his grandchildren, grow up and die? Generation after generation of family members, dying, going through life’s cycles, all the while, Revan there to watch. Now THAT’S tragic. Then, when you find him in TOR, you could perhaps find him in exile, cut off from the galaxy, a strange old hermit, if you will, destined to live out his days in sadness. Then, he could, I dunno, join your team or whatever.

But this section is not to discuss this whole shoe-horning thing, but how I would have written it, had Lucas Books come to me and said “Hey, Rammfan, want to write the story of Revan and Bastila?” Of course I would, I would love to!, and here’s what follows here is a simple draft and some brainstorming how I would’ve done it. I know, it borders on fanfiction, but let’s not use that bad word, ha. Here goes nothing:

Let’s see. The book would start out with some Republic ship or whatever with some Jedi on board, that is near the Unknown Regions of space. Maybe then they could be attacked or something by some Sith or whatever, but not before sending a distress signal to the Republic. The Jedi send a message to the Council, saying that they sense a strong Force presence out here, a great one of sorrow and despair. The ship is then destroyed and the recording is cut off.

Classic Bastila

Enter Bastila Shan, Jedi hottie and sassy lady. We could chronicle her on a mission on Coruscant or something, re-introducing us to the heroin we all loved so much. In this scene, we’d re-establish her CHARACTER TRAITS (sassy, attitude, bitchy, smart-ass, etc.) from the game. After defeating, I dunno, a gang-lord who was holding children captive or something, we’d have her returning to her apartment on Coruscant. Here, we could establish that she’s about to go on a mission to, I dunno, Alzoc III, in the next couple days to do something thing.

While tough on the outside (as always), we learn that Bastila is vulnerable, still missing Revan, still thinking about their adventures and her redemption (he saved her from the dark side, remember?). And we could explain how she’s been feeling this way the past four years (remember, he went off to the Unknown Regions!) and how she wonders if he would come through the door, even though she knows it’s silly because he doesn’t know where she lives and so on. Then, just before she is about to go down to sleep, she receives a message from the Jedi Temple about a recording they have received. She’s a bit surprised when she finds out it doesn’t have to do with the Alzoc III mission, but tells them she will get in the morning. When they tell her it’s from the Unknown Regions, she agrees to see it now.

She is greeted at the Temple by whoever and whatever Jedi Masters are there. I’m guessing there could be some from KOTOR 1 or whatever, like that little Yoda dude, but remember, this story is not about cameos, but about Revan and Bastila. So, anyway, Bastila learns of the great presence in the Unknown Regions. Everyone knows she immediately thinks of Revan, but no one says anything. She is asked to investigate the strange force, and upon asking why, she is told that it might be Revan and if anyone should go an investigate, it should be her because of the Force bond they shared. She fails to bring up their romantic relationship to the council. If she were to accept this mission, she would have to go immediately. She is sent back home to think about everything.

Bastila doesn’t hesitate to make her decision. So, the next morning she contacts Jolee and Juhani, asking them to go on the Alzoc III mission for her. They don’t really want to go at first, but when Bastila tells them that the mission might concern Revan, they quickly volunteer to take her Alzoc III mission and encourage her to find him and bring him back.

Next, Bastila goes to, I dunno, some Republic building or something and asks to see Carth Onasi. The guards there says he has a meeting in a couple minutes, but she Force Mind Tricks them into letting her see him. She knows it’s wrong, but does it anyway. Here, she asks Carth if he wants to take her to the Unknown Regions on this dangerous mission. Like Juhani and Jolee, he decides to help when he learns about Revan. This is when Mission and Zaalbaar come in. It’s impossible for them not to learn about the mission, and they want to go along. Bastila thinks it too dangerous to have them, so she tells them to aid Juhani and Jolee, where help will be needed. Zaalbaar insists on going to find Revan (because of the whole life debt thing), but Bastila assures them the best way to help Revan would be to help her and go to Alzoc III. They reluctantly agree and wish Bastila all the best.

(It might also be nice to introduce, I dunno, NEW CHARACTERS, like perhaps a young person Bastila could take on as an apprentice, or perhaps a stowaway who was on the ship, whatever, all that could be figured out later.)

So, Carth and Bastila go looking out to investigate what the threat was, which will lead them to some planet and whatever or something (all this could be worked out later), and GASP, they will eventually find Revan in the hands of some Sith cult led by some woman, let’s call her Sithlady for now.

So, Bastila and Carth report their findings to the Jedi Council that there is a Sith Cult out here in the Unknown Regions. They call for the Republic to help them out, but the Republic is stretched too thin and they need more proof before sending any ships. Bastila is a bit furious, as is Carth. If things weren’t bad enough, Bastila and Carth receive a message from Juhani and the others on Alzoc III that they need help. Bastila, sensing Revan close-by, doesn’t want to leave him. Carth understands this, having lost his wife a while back in the bombing of Telos. Bastila tells him to drop her off planetside and then help the others, which he does.

Bastila confronts Sithlady’s block-headed forces

She kills some baddies and whatever, searching the planet, finding that Sithlady is building a whole fleet of ships. She is eventually overwhelmed by some Sith people with lightsabers or taken out somehow. Either way, she is captured by Sithlady. There’s some hopelessness and blah and stuff, and it is now that we learn that Sithlady was what Malak and Revan discovered the first time they were out in the outer rim. They found her being all evil and shit, but in them trying to defeat her and turn her back to the light side, she turned them to the dark side. Malak and Revan defeated her, taking her army and returning to the Republic to wreak havoc. But she was not defeated, and Revan had felt her presence in the back of his mind, although at the time he could not remember what it was. Sithlady quickly captured Revan when he went to the Unknown Regions, and has now been holding him, torturing him, trying to break him, making him suffer for defeating her and ruining her plans. Bastila can feel the sorrow in Revan’s heart, and knows that he is about to die. When he gets tortured, it hurts her as well, and although she tries her best to break free from her bonds, she can’t.

Then, for a rousing act III, Sithlady could bring Revan and Bastila together in the same room so she can watch Revan die. Sithlady begins to, I don’t know, electrocute him or something, bringing him close to death, which would pain Bastila immensely. Then, just as she’s about to bring Revan’s death to realization, there is a great big disturbance. In classic Star Wars fashion, Carth and Jolee and all the others have returned from Alzoc III and have brought what ships they could. This is enough of a distraction for Bastila to finally break free of her bonds, get a lightsaber from somewhere (detail to be figured out later), and take on Sithlady.

While Carth, the others, and the Republic fight on the ground and in space, destroying Sithlady’s army, Bastila and Sithlady have quite a battle, and when things start to look grim, Revan is broken from his bonds. He gets a lightsaber from somewhere (once again, to be worked out later) and he and Bastila fight together against Sithlady. So, after lots of fighting, the Republic wins and Bastila and Revan defeat Sithlady, Sithlady, both of them destroying his past, together. SYMBOLISM! Then, at last, free from the torment of the Sith, and free to be together, Bastila and Revan share a kiss as the Sith fleet routs into the wilds of space.

For our denouement, Bastila, Revan and the others could return to the Republic, once again, as heroes. Yay! But this time, Revan would be here to stay.

Now, IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO TIE THIS INTO THE NEW GAME, because YOU JUST GOTTA out of some DUMB NEED or CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT, then I would have a final scene where Revan and Bastila are in their Coruscant apartment or whatever and he is feeling restless in the night. She finds him on the balcony, looking off toward the night traffic, sipping some cocoa or rum and coke (w00!) or something. She could ask him what is troubling him, and he could say “nothing.” She could then joke that he isn’t going to go off and leave again, to which he replies “no”. He tells her he’ll go inside in a minute and just needs to collect his thoughts. This is when we find out that he felt something else out in the Unknown Regions. Nothing strong, just an inkling. Sithlady is gone, but there was a threat that was still there…something out there, elusive. Revan knows he could never leave Bastila, his friends, and the Republic again. He decides not even to tell her nor the Jedi, in fears of causing them further distress, but instead vows to himself to train the best Jedi he can be the best Jedi he can, so that whatever threat he sensed can be easily dispensed with when the time comes. Then he could return to bed.

The inkling of whatever he felt could of course be the new Sith Empire from the new game coming out. So, he could have sensed this threat 300 years before, feeling the Emperor’s power or whatever. So, it’s kind of like a teaser trailer for the game, which I think is a WAY BETTER way to generate fan interest than shoe-horning and putting characters in stories that take place in eras they never lived.

So yea, that’d be my take on the ending to the Bastila/Revan story. I think it’d be nice as well to perhaps have a young kid, like a stowaway on the ship, that Bastila could at first hate and then grow to like. Y’know? Like how Alan Grant hates kids in the beginning of Jurassic Park, but then has to protect Lex and Tim, thus, at the end of the movie, liking them. Wouldn’t it be sweet if Bastila and Revan adopted said orphan to raise as their own? I think it’d be grand, but oh well. Maybe my version sucks worse than the one Drew wrote, who knows. I’m sure you’ll voice your opinions in the comments.

Part IV: Conclusion

Well, here we are. I don’t really know what else to say. My nerdy Star Wars friend told me I should have seen it coming. Had I been more attentive, I might have noticed the book was called “The Old Republic: Revan”. I guess I just focused more on the “Revan” than “the Old Repbulic.” So, Revan’s story continues in the MMO. Didn’t Lucas Books take into account that some of us might not want to play the MMO? I mean, I love the cinematic videos and Bioware rocks, but I have a crappy computer and no interest to play an MMO. So…where does that leave fans like me?

I don’t know what else to say. I guess with these things, everyone is going to have their own opinion. I can’t speak for a bunch of fans. All I speak for is myself, and I’m sorry Mr. Karpyshyn, but I was severely disappointed in your novel and the entire direction Revan’s character is being taken in.

Imagine it’s 1987 and there’s just “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back.” Now, there’s a new Star Wars TV show coming on that takes place 300 years later, with a Skywalker lead character and some bad guy. In anticipation for the show, they’re coming out with the third Star Wars movie, called “Return of the Jedi”. The last we saw of our heroes in “The Empire Strikes Back”, Han was frozen and taken away, Luke had just learned Vader’s his father, Leia was in love with Han. Well, what if Luke wasn’t very heroic, Lando and Chewie died in like three shots, and Leia never saw Han Solo again. But hey, he’s in the TV show, so…awesome! Man, fuck that.

I feel like “Knights of the Old Republic” and “The Old Republic”, although both developed by Bioware, should be, narratively, two separate entities. KOTOR characters should stay in their KOTOR era, and TOR characters, although descendents of KOTOR characters, should stay in their TOR era. I don’t know…what’s done is done, and no matter what I say, there’s nothing Bioware or Lucasfilm or Lucas Books is going to about it.

Fan favorites are nice. Revan, Boba Fett, Yoda, Vader…they’re all fun to have in a story, but as I said, only if it’s warranted. Was there any real reason to put Boba Fett in the prequel trilogy? No. Was there ANY REASON to put Yoda in ONE SCENE of the “Force Unleashed II”? No. Was there any reason to put Revan in The Old Republic MMO? No. The narrative will ALWAYS suffer. ALWAYS. The narrative will also suffer if you just make a story to make money. I always figured that if a story is good, it will in turn make MORE MONEY because people will want to experience it again and again. But what do I know? I work in a deli, so whatever.

Drew knew that writing this book was a ballsy deed, saying on his blog: “Okay, now let’s talk Revan. I knew when I started working on this book that it was a ticking time bomb. Star Wars fans – and KOTOR fans in particular – are very passionate, and taking a character every player personalized and turning him into my personal version was a potential recipe for disaster. “

He goes on to state: “However, I’ve noticed that people who like the novel enjoy it for what it *is* [an advertisement], while those who are upset tend to be angry over what it *isn’t* [what we've all been waiting for]. For example, many of the 1-star folks are upset because the book doesn’t have the typical happy ending. I’m not sure why they’re surprised by this – KOTOR 2 established that Revan disappeared alone into the Unknown Regions and didn’t return.” Let me just clear that up by saying KOTOR 2 never established that he never came back. There was always the possibility he could return.

Well, there’s nothing else to say, is there? Maybe I’ll write an angry letter to this Mr. Karpyshyn, because, you know, it’s not nerdy what I’ve done enough already. Drew said it himself “ Star Wars fans – and KOTOR fans in particular – are very passionate,” so why was he so careless with taking a “character every player personalized”? Oh well, it’s just a book based on a just a video game that was based on just a movie. Fuck it. Real shame, though. Real shame.

Hello everyone, it’s Rammfan518 here with another article! The first one in about two months, which I apologize for. I would love to write more, but am wondering if anyone is reading it? I don’t know. I don’t want to fill this blog with silly posts that are like one sentence long, yet I don’t want to Twitter or anything. We’ll see… Discuss it down in the comments if you care enough (I totally understand if you don’t). This, however, is not the time to talk about blogging, but 2011! So let’s take a look at movies, music, books, and so forth, as well as check my horoscope for 2012!

Movies:

Sucker Punch – Dreadful

Your Highness – Why didn’t anyone else like this movie? I thought it was awesome.

Thor – All right…

Bridesmaids – Didn’t love it as much as everyone else, it seems, but have to admit it is pretty funny.

Pirates 4: On Stranger Tides: After the stinker that was “At World’s End”, I couldn’t believe they were actually making a fourth one. I rented it from the Redbox last month in hopes of getting some masochistic sensations, but found myself rather enjoying it. This time, the plot (while it did have some stupid stuff) wasn’t all muddled up and confusing. Most noteworthy were the action scenes and set-pieces, that were all unique and interesting. Not bad…not bad…almost forgives Pirates 3, almost.

Kung Fu Panda 2 – AMAZING. I love these movies so much!

Super 8 – My favorite movie of the year. :)

Transformers 3 – God awful. And that stupid speech at the end with that big American flag…give me a break.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II – A fitting conclusion to such a massive franchise. Snape’s scene was :(. The ending celebrations (or lack thereof) was a bit confusing. Um..hello…your enemy is defeated, and all you do is sit aroundin the great hall? Where’s the partying?!

Captain America – A lot better than I thought. It was pretty great, actually.

The Help – Emotional, funny, sad. Pretty good.

Crazy, Stupid, Love – This one was a nice surprise. Entirely enjoyable.

Anonymous – HUGE disappointment. It wasn’t even about Shakespeare that much, but instead the throne of England. Boring.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – I was rolling my eyes when I heard they were making an American version of the Swedish phenomenon. Even now, I’m still kind of confused why we needed an American one. The Swedish ones were good enough, in my opinion, but then I realized, hey, why not have more “Dragon Tattoo” versions? Why would I have to like one or the other? Why not like both? Which I do. This American version was thoroughly enjoyable and tense. They included the final scene from the book as well, which (if my memory serves me right) wasn’t in the Swedish version. I’m still a little perplexed by the marketing strategy (boobs everywhere), but that aside, Fincher’s version will most likely be alongside my Swedish version DVDs, y’know…if I have enough money to buy either of them.

So all in all, not a bad year in movies. I did like some of the sequels, but come on, that was nearly all there was this year. Cars 2? Did we really need a Cars 2?

Television

-”Game of Thrones” kicks ass and has a lot more nudity than you’d ever expect. VERY excited for season two. Starz’s response to this, their “Camelot” is down-right awful. Not even Eva Green could save it…and I love her!

-I don’t know why everyone hates “Whitney,” but I’d be suprised if any of the haters had actually seen any episodes, and not just the terrible ads it had around here in L.A. I’ll admit the ads were lame, but the show is actually pretty funny. So where’s all the hate coming from? It’s definitely not as bad as that dumb George Lopez sitcom, and that was on for like five years!

-”Two Broke Girls” manages to be pretty damn funny, with a two lovable leads.

-While some people are hating on the seventh season of “How I Met Your Mother”, I’m enjoying the hell out of it. Nearly every episode has a huge “gasp” moment that has my mouth dropping to the floor, or an “awwww” moment that makes me all :( Good season, but I’ll even admit that it might be losing it’s focus about Ted finding those kids’ mother. Wait a minute, how do we even know that those kids Ted is talking to are his? Do they ever call him “dad”? What if he became a cop and found a missing woman who is the mom of those two kids? It would still be “How I Met Your Mother”…weird! Sorry for wasting your time with that crazy thought ha.

Music:

-Russian folk-metallers (pagan metal, whatever) Arkona release their “Stenka na stenku” EP, which features the great song below!!!

-Rammstein, along with FINALLY touring America again, release a “Best Of” album with a new song, whose single has another new song. Although they are looking a little old in this video, it doesn’t mean they can’t make a good riff and get the Buick shaking. Here is “Mein Land” from Ramms+ein! (Note: the video has boobs so is NSFW)

-Finntroll releases a special version of “Nifelvind” with three covers on them. They were all right. Nevertheless, enough to whet the appetite for any Finntroll fan for another album or DVD. Not rushing you, dudes, just sayin’ I can’t wait.

So, any other music I dug in 2011? Well, I found The Foo Fighters’ “Walk” to be a pretty good song, before 98.7 KILLED IT by playing a thousand million times. LMFAO’s new album had some great gems on it. But perhaps my favorite non-metal song of the year goes to Grouplove’s “Colours”. Not only is the music good, but I love the lyrical play and repitition.

Books:

-Caprice Crane releases “With a Little Luck”, which is her best book since her debut “Stupid and Contagious”. I met her and she signed my copy too!!! Yay!!!

-Terry Brooks releases his follow-up to “Bearers of the Black Staff”, but I couldn’t be less enthoused to read it. :(

-”Star Wars: The Old Republic: Revan” sends me into a frenzy of nerd excitement upon its announcement. Upon it’s release, the color drains from my face. I don’t want to say it’s a disappointment, just not what I was expecting, I guess. But still, I bought the hardcover, damn!!!

Video Games:

I don’t really play video games anymore, but I understand there were some good first-person shooters or something.

Things to look forward to next year:

-Stam1na is releasing a new album in February!!!
-The last I heard from Ensiferum was that they were soon to enter the studio. Anything from them in the next year, perhaps?
-Finntroll might announce a DVD or album. If not, then that’s all right too.
-Maybe a new Ramms+ein DVD? I heard that they had filmed some material from their American tour. I’ll guess we’ll have to see.
-”The Dark Knight Rises”, Nolan’s epic conclusion to his “Dark Knight Legend”. Can’t wait!
-And lastly, THE HOBBITTHE HOBBITTHEHOBBITTHEHOBBITTHEHOBBITTHEHOBBITTHEHOBBITTHEHOBBIT!!!!!!!
-Oh yea, and the End of the World.

Alright everyone, now for my favorite part, the 2012 Aries Horoscope. Let’s see what’s in store for myself. Since I didn’t do a retrospective last year, I have no 2011 horoscope to review, so we’re looking forward this time. This one comes to us from “Horoscopes-Love.eu“. All right, let’s start!

ARIES

This horoscope year, Aries will celebrate in a harmonious aura. (Finally…) You will take great strides to weed out all things that are not necessary in your life. (Yay!) In order to go in the proper direction, you will have to act in order to get everything that is useless out of your life. Your sense of reality is stronger, this is due to the fact that you start a new Jupiter Ian cycle which helps to put things in perspective and helps to get your projects off the ground. As an Aries zodiac sign born you are orientated towards initiative and action and always look into the future. Aries horoscope 2012 is time to take the idealistic course you have been pursuing for years and to make it happen. (Kinda creepy how spot on that is…but whatever, this all applies to everyone, so whatever ha)

Aries 2012 Career and Work Horoscope (All right, let’s see where I go!)

Your professional life is normal. You will find, however, that your main planet, Mars, will boost your work performance and spirit and surprise your peers. (Hmm…) Changes will begin to occur in September and by February will show notable results. During this time you might consider a change of career, however your actions may be obscured. Do not hide your creativity during 2012 year on the work front as you may find your artistic talents benefit in your career. (Deli doesn’t have much space to be creative :( ) Surround yourself with likeminded people who like you strive for success.

Aries 2012 Love, Family and Social life Horoscope

Aries will find solace on the home front and will enjoy family time especially during the last two quarters of 2012. This is a year for strengthening bonds with your loved ones who always are an outlet of happiness to the Ram.

Your emotional life will stabilize this year and you will find a much more sincere picture. (I sure hope this is true). Put the negative energies of last year behind you. For coupled Arians, you will find moments of intense passion with your lover. This is the horoscope year to be open with your partner. By keeping communication open you enjoy the closeness that this year brings.

With your open mindedness, you have a tendency to crave freedom and are capable of making the best of most situations. Single Arians should be particularly alert during the middle of the horoscope year of a chance meeting, which may begin as a strong friendship and blossom into love. (They say this every year…) However, be prepared for that chance meeting anytime through the year.

This year is a year for the Ram to take extra effort to sharpen their people and communication skills. Be supportive and tactful when you find yourself in situations that are not the best but may arise in interpersonal relationships. You will find that the extra effort will bring peace and harmony in your relationships whether at work or at home during aries horoscopes 2012.

Aries 2012 Finance and Money Horoscope

While you will have a bit more judiciously in spending your money this horoscope year, you will find that the beginning of year 2012 is not a favorable time for investments, change in employment, promotions or pay raises. (Oy…) However, by the third and fourth quarter there should be signs of improvement. Cash may appear due to the powerful Jupiter aspects, as well as Mars and Mercury. This will be the time to consider changing work or starting your own company. (That’d be awesome! Here comes your first film and folk metal production company haha)

Aries 2012 Health Horoscope

2012 is a year that should be filled with good health for most Arians. However, a balanced diet and exercise (boo) are necessary as well as rest and relaxation (yay). Aries horoscope 2011 keep balanced and stay calm as it is important despite your tendency for high energy levels (high energy levels? What?) and to take the world by storm. Make sure that you include outdoor adventures and recreation in your schedule especially during the summer months of June and July 2012.

~End Horoscope~

Well, that didn’t really say much different than what it usually says. Oh well. We’ll check back in a year and see what they were right about/what can interpreted as them getting it right. Oh well, whatever. If anything, it’s nice to go into 2012 thinking I’ll have more harmony than this year. There was some, but more is always better :)

So, see you later 2011! It’s been a landmark year, what with moving to a big city and meeting new people and doing more jobs than I could ever imagine (and applying for even more). Hey, I still need to get paid for two of those…hmmm…

Later!

Rammfan518

Now I acknowledge that what follows is nothing eloquent by any means and nothing that has any real proof supporting the claims for all you technical arguing kill-joys. This is simply a call to why I love books. I know it’s a bit ironic that this blog post is being read on a screen, but oh well.

I love books, and although I might not read all the fucking time, I still love holding them. Everyone rushes out to get these e-readers, these Nooks and Kindles, and buys books to download. What the fuck? You gotta have REAL book in your hands. You gotta feel it flip through the pages and hear the “ftt-ftt-ftt” sound. You have to get a book brand new and crack it when you get to the middle, no matter how much you may hate the white crease-lines that come across the spine. You gotta open up a familiar book and ask yourself why it still smells funny, or why a certain series of books smells a certain way, but different than all other books. You gotta throw off the dust jacket of a hardback and put it around another book so it doesn’t get all warped and messed up.

And if you have your brick-sized paperback copy of “The Lord of the Rings” in your backpack, taking up too much space, fucking deal with it because you love stories and love the printed word. I’ll admit that “Wizard’s First Rule” was so thick the paperback nearly broke my thumbs why just trying to keep it open, but I loved that, damn it. And sure it’s inconvienent to carry your nearly 1,000 page hardback of “Wise Man’s Fear” on the bus, but as I said earlier, deal with it. And don’t forget the feeling of how heavy books are when you put them in a box together. Books are supposed to be heavy. You shouldn’t be able to carry 6, 000 books in something that weighs less than a pound.

Take a big papaerback make it crack as you move it. Close a large hardback and have it sound like someone’s knocking on your door. Put your ear to a paperback and flip the pages and feel the air hit your face. Enjoy a new book, and observe how the pages go from clean to dirty as your fingers smudge each page as your bookmark moves from front to back. And when your done with a book, flip that last page, close it up, and look at the back cover. Place them on your shelf and admire all the different covers, colors, lettering, height and width. Look at the artwork scattered across the front and back. Hold them in your hand, and smile to yourself that it has no batteries and will never have to charge, ever. Smile at the fact that you can share it with someone else, passing it among friends until you’ve all read it. Be confident that even if you get it wet, it will dry out, perhaps a bit wavier than last time, but will still be readable. Be confident that you could drop it, even from 100 feet in the air, and it’d be fine. Fuck, we could even run it over with a car. Might be a little dinged up, but it we could still read it.

I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish with this rant. Nothing, really. It’s nothing more of an outcry by a fan of hard-copies in a for a dying world of hard-copies and closing stores. I don’t really know how to end this. I’ve said my point, my opinions, and that is that.

Bye,

Love,

Lover of books,

Rammfan518

***This article contains massive spoilers for both of the Star Wars: Force Unleashed games, as well as the movies “The Matrix” and “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”. Read on at your own discretion!***

I know it’s a bit late to be writing this, seeing as this game was released seven months ago, but hey, it’s Saturday night and I have a glass full of wine, so let’s get to it!

You might not know this, but there is a lot of crap bearing the Star Wars name. I’m not saying that EVERYTHING that isn’t one of the original three films are crap, I’m just saying eighty percent of it is. That being said, I was pleasantly surprised with 2008′s video game “Star Wars: The Force Unleashed”, the Star Wars version God of War and every game that tried to rip it off. Despite following cliched action game conventions (press X over and over! Hurry!), “The Force Unleashed” explored a time in the Star Wars mythos not yet properly visited and delighted us with a decent story.

While on one of his Jedi-killing missions, Vader stumblies upon a little kid, Galen Marek, who he senses is strong in the Force. Years later, this kid has been molded into the ultimate weapon, Vader’s secret apprentice. During the course of the game, Galen falls in love with his new hot-ass pilot, Juno Eclipse, gets trained by a Jedi, kills some people, gets some two cents about the the dark side, and eventually has a change of heart, turning from bad to good.

“The Force Unleashed”‘s story is full of drama AND humor, creating that fun action/adventure spirit of the old films that a lot of take-themselves-too-seriously Star Wars materials are missing (the prequels, anyone?). At the end of the game, Galen has sacrificed his life to save his friends and the Rebelllion. In honor of the fallen warrior, the Rebels decide to use his family’s crest as the Rebel symbol. Cool beans.

After finishing “The Force Unleashed”, I didn’t really expect a sequel, but hey, this is Star Wars.

So how do you make a sequel with the main character dead at the end of the first one? That’s right, you bring them back to life, or at least claim they were never dead. I’ll allow this once in a series, because hey, at the end of “The Force Unleashed”, we weren’t sure about Starkiller’s fate. He could be alive. So Lucasfilm did the right thing and decided to bring back our favorite hero.

They just did it in the stupidest way possible.

“Here goes Nothing. . .”

In “The Force Unleashed II”, the player takes control of Starkiller’s “renegade clone”. Wait, what? Apparently in the seven months after the first game, Vader has made a trip to Kamino and started making clones of Starkiller. (Does this sound dumb to anyone else?). All right, so he’s a clone. . .not the original Starkiller.

So, before we even really start playing, we learn that this Clone has been having visions: a burning forest, a woman’s voice; all memories of the previous Starkiller. What? Can a clone have memories of the host? Does this make ANY sense to anyone? Then Clone Starkiller is told to kill some training bots, that soon assume the skins of Rebel troopers. One of the bots turns into Juno Eclipse, the original Starkiller’s foxy love interest. The Clone stops when he reaches her, unable to kill her, realizing that he, what, loves her? Isn’t he a clone? How does he know who she is? This is stupid.

Vader then explains to us that the super-accelerated cloning-technique is unstable, and that all previous Starkiller prototypes have gone bonkers in a matter of months. (Oh my god this is SO DUMB). Seeing another vision of Vader stabbing the old Starkiller on the death star, the Clone escapes Kamino in Vader’s TIE Defender. Vader gives a disappointed sigh of relief.

All right, so I’m just wondering. . .is anyone else confused at this point about the Clone? I mean, can clones have the memories of their hosts? So Starkiller really is dead? So I’m not really playing as THE Starkiller? This is dumb.

All right, so the Clone has escaped and is flying around space and the game switches to the planet Cato Nemoidia, which is actually a pretty sweet-ass-looking planet. Props to the design team, really. On this planet, a warrior is seen killing all these creatures in an arena, much to the crowd’s displeasure. This warrior is revealed to be Rahm Kota. The Baron of Cato Nemoidia (I guess), is watching the spectacle when he is told Vader is approaching the planet.

Seriously, Cato Nemoidia is cool

So the Baron goes to see Lord Vader, and is surprised to see, well, not Lord Vader, but Clone Starkiller. The following exchange starts:

Baron: I was expecting Lord Vader. . .
Clone Starkiller: The Jedi, where is he?

WAIT, HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. How the fuck did this CLONE GUY know 1) WHO Rahm Kota was and 2) know WHERE he was? THAT MAKES NO SENSE. So, all we know is that a Clone of a guy somehow knows everything about his host and somehow knows where his old buddy is? Who wrote this fucking crap?

Starkiller makes it to the arena after some fights and meets up with Kota, saying, “you can sit this one out, General.” (How did he know he was a general?) After a huge fight and action sequence, Clone Starkiller and Rahm Kota escape the planet in Rahm’s (Original Starkiller’s) ship.

On the ship, Clone Starkiller goes looking for his old pilot girlfriend. He is vastly disappointed when she is not there. Rahm then explains that he doesn’t know where she is either, stating that the Rebel fleet is scattered throughout the galaxy (registered trademark of Star Wars) and that he’s lost contact. Trying to turn the conversation back to positive, Rahm suggests that this Clone rally the troops and make a big strike against the Empire. This is when the clone says:

Clone: I’m not Starkiller. I. . .I’m a clone. I was born in a vat, to take his place.
Rahm: (laughs) Is that what Vader told you?
Clone: Yes
Rahm: I, I, I don’t believe it, no one can clone Jedi, it’s never been done.

O__O   Are you fucking serious right now with this shit? Why can’t you clone Jedi? WHY CAN’T YOU CLONE JEDI? GIVE ME A REASON!

This is quickly forgotten and then blah, blah, Clone Starkiller tells Rahm he needs a place to think things over and meditate. Rahm gets all flustered, saying “We’re at war and you want a quiet place to think? The Alliance will be destroyed while you’re wandering the forests of Kashyyyk or exploring the caves of Dagobah. You’ll let the galaxy die to go find yourself?”

Alright, now I got a little problem with this. As much as I hate random name-dropping in Star Wars materials, mentioning Dagobah just seems excessively dumb. Yoda went there because it’s obscure and no one’s supposed to know about it. So why the fuck does Rahm know about it? Good job, Yoda, fucking idiot.

Uhh. . .what?

This scene gets even worse. Rahm leaves in a huff because the Clone needs some space to think. After Rahm leaves the cockpit, the Clone goes “Dagobah. . .” and then sets a course. Are you fucking serious? “Dagobah. . .hmm. . .” Like, seriously? He says it in the way you say “Chili fries. . .hmmm” after someone says “Chili fries or onion rings both sound good.” So if Rahm had never mentioned Dagobah, Clone Starkiller would never have gone there? THAT IS SO DUMB. This is called BAD WRITING.

On Kamino, Vader makes a deal with Boba Fett to find Juno and bring her to him. Vader thinks that once he has her, Clone Starkiller will follow. Alright, that MAKES SENSE at least. While I’m usually pissed off with BOBA FETT BEING IN STAR WARS EVERYTHING, this didn’t bug me. At this time period in the Star Wars timeline, Boba Fett is an up and coming bounty hunter making a name for himself, so his inclusion in this story makes sense. Cool beans, I guess.

Clone Starkiller arrives on Dagobah and whatever. During this level, you hop around some trees and then you get a cutscene. You approach a cave and encounter YODA, who talks in that doesn’t-sound-anything-like-Yoda-Clone-Wars-cartoon voice. Starkiller enters the cave next to Yoda and sees some visions. The only important one is of him seeing Juno getting attacked on her ship. Realizing he must go to help Juno, he leaves the swamp planet of Dagobah. . . .and that’s all we get of Dagobah in the whole game. . .

Now, let me ask you, why would you shoe-horn in a 1) planet and 2) trademark character to use for LIKE TWO SECONDS? Clone Starkiller could have seen that vision of Juno anywhere, not on some random planet he went to off a random mention by his friend. What the fuck? It is so frustrating to see narrative suffer just so they can include these little things that will make fans jittery with excitement. And what the fuck? If this kid’s a Jedi, and Yoda’s a master, and HE MET HIM, why didn’t Yoda just train Clone Starkiller instead of waiting for Luke? This is so stupid!

Alright, so with this information in tow, Clone Starkiller takes his ship and goes to find Juno’s ship (WHICH HE SAID EARLIER THEY COULDN’T FIND). Starkiller is surprised to Juno’s ship is not yet under attack. Rahm Kota (who is all of the sudden there again) explains that “a powerful glimpse of the future like you experienced is rarely wrong. And if that comes to pass, you’ll be glad you picked me up on Malastare”. *shaking head* Who the fuck says “Glad you picked me up on Malastare?” Oh, it’s so we know how he suddenly came into the story again. This is also known as BAD WRITING. Why didn’t Rahm just go to Dagobah with Starkiller? URGGH!

So, Rahm and Clone Starkiller get aboard the ship to try and save Juno, and instead of getting on the intercom and saying “I’M A FUCKING JEDI AND I SAW A VISION OF THIS PLACE BEING ATTACKED!”, they don’t do shit. Then, the ship really DOES come under attack. Good job, idiots! In the ensuing battle, Clone Starkiller fails to save Juno, who is taken away by Boba Fett, and is bummed out about it.

Alright, stay with me people, I know, it’s getting pretty grueling. After their failed rescue of Juno, Clone Starkiller, Rahm and the others decided to attack Kamino to destroy the Cloning facilities and save Juno. The Empire is expecting them (of course) and a battle ensues with the Empire kicking Rebel ass.

Now, what follows is actually something I liked in the game. Even though this story is STUPID AS HELL, one could appreciate the following scene. During the battle, the main Rebel ship takes so much damage that it crashes toward the planet, which Clone Starkiller uses to ride to the planet below. A video of this is pasted below:

You have to admit that’s pretty cool.

Now it’s time for the final duel with Vader. While going into the battle, Clone Starkiller hears visions of Rahm calling him a puppett and Juno calling him a “monster.” Trudging through such visions, Clone Starkiller finally meets Vader and fights him. The fight goes on for ever and ever, and blah blah blah, it comes to the point where Vader is choking Juno with the Force, telling Clone Starkiller to turn to the dark side. Anakin, I mean, Clone Starkiller, bows down to Vader to save his woman’s life, dropping a lightsaber near her. Vader instructs Clone-boy to do a whole bunch of evil shit, lest his woman die. While Vader says all this, Juno grabs the wayward lightsaber, ignites it, and attacks Vader. She misses him because he’s STANDING RIGHT THERE. Vader, not one to suffer fools, force pushes her away onto an electrified platform. Thinking she’s dead, Clone Starkiller attacks Vader again (god this is exhausting). Clone Starkiller defeats Vader, and just as he’s about to kill him, Rahm comes running up, yelling “Wait!”

Fucking A. Rahm suggests that they don’t kill Vader, not yet, not until he’s given the Empire’s secrets. How fucking dumb are these fucking characters? They lead a full-scale attack on a planet, end up destroying all the enemies and getting the leader, and they don’t kill him? The war could be over now! RRRRR!

Just kill him! He’s RIGHT THERE!

Anyway, Clone Starkiller wants to kill Vader anyway. Rahm then says that Vader is the only one who knows if the real Starkiller really survived or not, and for this reason he should be kept alive? So, the real Starkiller might be alive? What the fuck?! So you might have the real Starkiller AND a Clone with all the same feelings and thoughts and past as him? What if the real Starkiller comes back and wants Juno? What about the Clone? Would they clone Juno for him, too? Would their be some sort of fan-fiction-esque threesome. Fucking A.

Ok. . .so. . .now, as with any Jedi game, there are two endings. I’ll go over the “light side” ending first, because it’s slightly less stupid of the two. In this ending, Clone Starkiller lets Vader be captured instead of killed. Vader is detained in a ship and is to be brought to some Rebel HQ for questioning. Princess Leia’s hologram digs this idea. After talking some shit to the enslaved Vader, Clone Starkiller and Juno go off in their ship, but not without Boba Fett following them! OMG! Fucking A. . .just stop.

Alright, I’m fucking tired now. Here’s the dark side ending, which you recieve if you choose to kill Vader: Clone Starkiller raises up his lightsaber to strike down Vader, only to have his chest pierced by a cloaked figure’s red saber. Rahm, angry this cloaked bro has slain a friend of his, rushes the man, but is eventually thrown off the Kamino-platform to the waters below.

As Clone Starkiller lay dying, Vader and the hooded figure come up to him. Vader says “I lied when I told you the cloning process had been perfected.” This is when the hooded figure pulls back his hood to reveal himself as. . .ANOTHER FUCKIN’ CLONE OF STARKILLER, just an evil one. . .

. . .that’s it, I’m going to bed. I’ll continue the rest of this tomorrow. . .fuck this.
Alright, I’m back and refreshed. I know that the dark side ending is not the canon ending, but how many times are we going to use a Clone as a plot device? This is beginning to feel a bit like “Mission: Impossible II”, when everyone was wearing those facemasks, sneaking around and getting things done. So the dark side ending includes perhaps the original Starkiller, then kills the Clone Starkiller, and features a dark side Clone Starkiller. Based on how many clones there are up in this shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if Vader actually wasn’t captured. Instead it’s another Starkiller Clone inside his costume!

What’s perhaps worse than this shitty, SHORT story is the novelization, of which I purchased the hardcover because I was so excited about the story. As you could guess, I was disappointed. Since “The Force Unleashed II” novelization would be like fifty pages, the author added in a whole bunch of FILLER CRAP that wasn’t featured or mentioned in the game at all. Needing to flesh out the story, the book includes a huge battle on Mon Calamari, featuring (of course) a new general named Admiral Ackbar. Knock it off with the cameos, just, please.

Arcs

All clones and hosts and cameos aside, let’s take a look at the FU2′s story and see how it fails in the most fundamental way possible. I don’t know if I am blind, but I don’t think our Clone Starkiller goes through any kind of arc. In “A New Hope”, Luke went from being a little farmboy to believing in himself and destroying the Death Star. In “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”, Harold went from being nervous about asking Maria out, to actually asking her out at the end of the film. In “The Matrix”, Neo went from being a weak computer guy to believing in himself and becomming the One. See? Characters need to CHANGE. “The Force Unleashed”s end was Galen choosing to 1) become good and 2) sacrifice his life for a greater cause. So where’s the arc in FU2? The Clone goes from being a clone and having no identity to. . .realizing it’s ok he’s a clone? This is stupid. No arc means not interesting, at least I always thought so.

A Better Take on the Story, Mayhap

Alright, I’ve been on full attack since the beginning of this article, so I’m going to provide you with my ideas about how the story could have been improved. First off, don’t make me play as a clone. Since I’ve never been a clone of anything, I can’t identify with the character. How do we, as gamers, identify with a clone of someone we liked in the last game, because the clone, although a clone, IS NOT the original person. Does that make sense? For example, what if Luke had died at the end of “A New Hope” and the one in “The Empire Strikes Back” was a clone, you think the story would have as much punch when it came to the self-searching and the ultimate revelation at Cloud City? So yea, get rid of the clone, and while we’re at it, get rid of all the clones. It’s a lame plot device that is too sci-fi for Star Wars’ space-fantasy.

Secondly, if you’re going to feature Boba Fett and Yoda in your story, you better fucking use them. I’ve said this before, but I am so tired of the random cameos that serve no purpose to the narrative. Can anyone support the arguement that this narrative did not suffer do to Clone Starkiller running off and having to see Yoda?

Why couldn’t just have a story about the Original Starkiller who has lost his memory? I know that memory loss is another cliched story device, but hey, at least it’s better than CLONING. This way, we could still connect with the character of Starkiller (because it IS him) and want him to remember who he was. This would also explain how he lost his powers and how he must learn them again. (Instead of having a clone learning them all over again.)

For example, the game could start with the body of Starkiller in a Bacta Tank on a Star Destroyer, on the way to Kamino to be cloned. Then, to Vader’s surprise, the ship is attacked by Rebels. During the attack, Starkiller could awaken and not know where he is. Vader, sensing his old apprentice is awake, hunts him down throughout the ship. General Rahm Kota could be leading the attack, and he is stunned when he sees Starkiller alive. Starkiller does not recognize him. Thrown off by the surprise, Rahm Kota and the Rebels could fail the mission and have to retreat, but with Starkiller in tow.

Starkiller could be brought back to the Rebels main base or whatever and introduced to all his old friends. He does not remember anyone, not even Juno. The Rebels and friends could tell Starkiller he was once a Jedi, although he has flashes of pain and utter destruction. He also remembers a black clad, helmeted figure.

To jog his memory, Starkiller is sent on some missions with the Rebels. Each time, Starkiller could 1) level up and 2) remember a bit more about his past.

In an attempt to draw Starkiller back, Vader hires Boba Fett to get Juno Eclipse and Rahm Kota. Since Boba is the best damn bounty hunter in the galaxy, he quickly finds them. This could open up some opportunities for some levels. Rescuing two friends on two different planets. Let’s say that Rahm Kota gets taken to PLANET 1, which I’m calling Rammfania. Here, Starkiller could learn some more powers (level up) and save Rahm. Before they escape though, Vader would confront his old apprentice. Starkiller could recognize the black clad figure as the one in his memories. See, he’s slowly starting to change.

By this point, Starkiller remembers a bit more, but not Juno and not Vader’s betrayal. Rahm and the Rebels go on a mission to rescue Juno. It is here, at the end of the game, when things look most grim for our heroes, when he finally remembers all: Vader’s betrayal, his destructive past, his love of Juno. He then takes the fight to Vader with full force. At the end of their inevitable duel, Vader can give him a choice to join the dark side, which the player can either refuse or accept. The dark side ending inclues, I don’t know, Starkiller killing everyone and being evil, and the good side ending would include him rescuing and loving Juno (like all Star Wars video-game alternate endings).

I’m not saying what I spit out above would be the BEST sequel to “The Force Unleashed”, but it sure seems a lot better than the contrived, stupid, clone-happy one that really exists.

In Conclusion

So, what else is there left to say? “The Force Unleashed II” was a truly wasted opportunity for something great. It’s hard to write a sequel after a character is presumed dead, but bringing them back in a believable way is what writing is all about. Maybe it’s because they thought they could make money without a good story. Maybe it was written by people who love clones. Maybe it’s because one of the top development guys left three months before the game’s release. Who knows, really?

Although there’s been some rumors of an “axed” “Force Unleashed III”, I have no doubt that Starkiller will return. I can only guess that in this sequel, there will be the Clone of Starkiller, the original Starkiller who never died, and the dark side Starkiller from the dark side ending, who, although not seen in the good side ending, is still considered canon. Seeing the Original Starkiller and his Clone counterpart team up against a dark side clone would be quite disastrous and heartbreaking.

Good thing “A New Hope”, “The Empire Strikes Back”, and “Return of the Jedi” are still good.

***This article contains some spoilers and some images that are NSFW. Don’t be caught looking at NSFW images, you could get fired! Read on at your own discretion. ~Sincerely, Rammfan518***

Hello there, all.

Back in August, I bought the first book of Stieg Larsson’s “Millenium Trilogy”, titled “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” (Swedish original title, “Män som hatar kvinnor”, translates to “Men Who Hate Women”). I read the first twenty pages and became swept up in studies. It wasn’t until Decemeber break that I went back to that yellow, green, and orange book and began to read again. Within a month, I had read all three of the books and seen all three of the Swedish film adaptations.

The Swedish films were pretty good. They remained as faithful to the books as they could, even if it seemed like a glorified video version of Cliff Notes (754 page book into a two hour movie is hard!). Even though it felt a bit quick, you have to commend the films for remaining mostly faithful to books, only taking shortcuts with the narrative when pressed for time.

When I learned they were making American versions of the film, I groaned with the rest of the Swedish-adaptation fanboys. My annoyance was slightly lessened when I found out it was to be directed by David Fincher, fresh off “The Social Network” (which was my favorite movie of last year). I was a bit excited to see what Fincher had to bring to the table, even though I still thought we had completely adequate adaptations anyway.

We were first given two pieces of news. The first of which is the image below, a cover for W with Rooney Mara posing as Lisbeth Salander:

It looks alright. Can’t really do much complaining here except for the huge “SALANDER” tattoo across her chest. I’ll admit I don’t remember everything about Lisbeth’s tattoos, but I do remember there was one of a dragon on her back (duh) and one of a wasp. I don’t remember anything about a “Salander” tattoo, and judging from the relationships with the people in her family, I don’t think she would get one, especially not all over her chest. Perhaps this was just photoshopped on for the cover of the magazine to help us know who was on the cover.

The second bit of news we heard that day was that the ending had changed from the book, which was news to send me into a nerd rage. Here is the statement below from some movie person:

“The script, which captures the novel’s bleak tone, was written by Academy Award winner Steven Zaillian, who wrote Schindler’s List, and it departs rather dramatically from the book. Blomkvist is less promiscuous, Salander is more aggressive, and, most notably, the ending — the resolution of the drama — has been completely changed.

This may be sacrilege to some, but Zaillian has improved on Larsson — the script’s ending is more interesting.”

Ansiktepalm, I say. I know that you can’t stay completely original to anything when adapting it, but good god, it’s not REQUIRED to change things, let alone the ENDING. I don’t really know if I like anyone saying that Zaillian has “improved” on Larsson. I mean, Larsson’s the author of the original material, can he really be improved on? Can original material be improved upon if that is indeed the original material? I’m just wondering what kind of ending the movie-makers have come up with. I hope it’s not some sort of “Oh, she’s really your mother!” or “Daniel Craig is really your father!” or some stupid reveation-shit like that. That would blow. I also hope that the criminal, the man behind all the mysterious stuff, remains the same, but that probably won’t happen either.

Such news about the changing of the plot sent me into a nerd rage for a couple weeks. Eventually I calmed down, because, y’know, it’s only a movie. A while later, this image was released, another one of Rooney Mara as Lisbeth Salander:

Ok. . .but why is she topless? That makes absolutely no sense.

Then about a week ago, the first teaser for Fincher’s version was released. It is posted down below.

I don’t know how to feel about this. I mean, on one hand, I love David Fincher, Daniel Craig, Stellan Skarsgård, and Trent Reznor’s music was amazing in “The Social Network”. While all this is something to look forward to, I can’t help but think that this is just a louder, busier, more obnoxious version of the Swedish adaptation. (American remakes = obnoxious, less deep, less funny, marketable to dumbasses).

I received the trailer with a relative “meh” and went about LOOKING FOR A DAMN JOB. While being unemployed yesterday, I saw an image of one of the posters going around the UK. It’s posted below:

Are you fucking serious? What are they trying to sell me? A movie or boobs? Why is that nearly every picture released of Ms. Mara as Lisbeth either has her 1) showing her boobs or 2) being topless? A friend of mine (who’s not a Larsson fanboy) said commented that this poster tells him nothing about the film except that it has boobs in it, maybe. Does anyone else find it, I don’t know, a bit tasteless as well that Mrs. Salander is SPOILER AHEAD IN ITALICS is a rape victim? In the first book, her guardian Nils Bjurman rapes her quite roughly. Even though she gets her revenge in an excellent way, putting a rape victim topless on a movie poster just seems a bit tasteless. Anyone else agree? SPOILER OVER.

Alright, marketing department, I get it. You’re trying to be provocative to get publicity. Controversy makes for great publicity. “Sex sells” also. But Larsson’s books sold 21 million copies worldwide, and those didn’t have any pictures of nipple-pierced breasts. Or any breasts for that matter. Maybe just good stories sell, too.

Now we’re all familiar with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the weapon-wielding anthropomorphic amphibians who beat up assholes and eat pizza. There’s Raphael, Michelangelo, Donatello, Leonardo, Splinter, Casey Jones, April O’Neill, and of course, their rival, Shredder. After years of being in cartoons, some dumbass decided that Turtles should put down their weapons and change things with music. I love a pacifist message as much as they next guy, but HOLY SHIT.

In 1990, the Turtles released a an album (and cassette, remember those?) that only sold at Pizza Hut, their favorite pizza. It went platinum in two weeks. Pizza Hut also sponsored their 40-city “Out of Our Shells” tour, a performance of which was filmed to premiere on Pay-Per View and be sold on VHS. The results are down below:

I mean. . .I don’t even know where to start. I mean. . .they’re not even singing! It’s all playback. . .that’s stupid. Good god. . .it’s so bad.

While in line for a paid studio audience gig (yay for just moving to LA), I discussed this terrible occurrence with a fellow in-line-ian. We were discussing the tour, and we casually mentioned they should do another one. This time, however, it’d be called the “Shellshocked Tour” and it’d be fucking metal.

Fuck yea!

I mean, think about it. How fucking awesome would that be? To illustrate my point, I have made a proof-of-concept video. Here you go:

Wasn’t that badass? No, it wasn’t, I’ll admit that, but it was pretty damn cool. Could you imagine a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle metal band? Wouldn’t that be sweet? I dunno, maybe I’m just a weirdo.

One point this does bring me to is, well, growing up. When I was little, I probably would have liked this stupid concert. Who knows? Maybe I even watched it and thought it was the bee’s knees. But now, it’s so fucking lame I can’t stand it.

What is the process of growing up with children’s cartoons and movies? And why do we expect them to mature along with us? Hmm. . .interesting indeed. Here I am, getting deep again. Getting deep about fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. . .goodness me, I need a job. Rock on.

I was in Target today, trying to find those little hooks you put in the ceiling from which to hang things. I don’t even know if they even have them there, and it really doesn’t matter anyway because once I stumbled into the entertainment section, I forgot about them completely.

I don’t know if you have been in a Target recently, but I go often enough to notice they play the same five trailers in their entertainment department over and over (and over and over. . .and over). To my dismay, these were all advertisements for children’s movies. Don’t get me wrong, children are a huge percentage of the human population and just because I’m a twenty-three year old who is pessimistic and likes “scary” metal doesn’t mean I should hate on the movies that are marketed to them. But. . .I’m going to anyway.

Here are my grievances with you, children’s movie trailers!

Songs Used in Trailers

While looking for “Kung Fu Panda” (an excellent kid’s movie), I couldn’t help but hear the trailer for the film “Alpha and Omega”, which to my understanding is a wolf-ified version of “Romeo and Juliet”. Now while the film might be good and give a good message to kids, I groaned at the usage of Duran Duran’s 1982 hit, “Hungry like the wolf”. I mean. . .I know the movie’s about wolves. . .but . . .really? Just because it’s about wolves, you have to have a popular song that mentions wolves? That song’s about stalking, isn’t it? I’m confused.

Another example where this sort of “song/title/plot” association happens is in the trailer for 2009′s “Marmaduke”, about some dumb dog who moves to the OC with his cat friend. This trailer not only features one song about California, but two. One of them is the OC Theme song, the one with the guy moaning “Califorrrniaaaaaa”. Alright, I get it. The dog mentioned California. . . so we need a song about California. But wait, we need another song about California. Now, the trailer-makers could have chosen any other song about California: “California Dreamin’”, “Hotel California” or every single fucking Red Hot Chili Peppers song. The one they decided to go with was 2PAC’s “California Love”. Wait, what? Is Marmaduke moving to same neighborhood where “pimps be on a mission for them greens”? Or where “lean mean money making machines servin’ fiends” do their thing? Maybe just to California where “hoochies” are just “screamin’”. Just seems kind of dumb.

I love the Kung Fu Panda movies. They’re well-written, well-structured, have good messages about a myriad of things, are beautiful to look at. But dude, yes. . .it’s a Kung Fu movie. . .do you have to have “Kung Fu Fighting” in the trailer? Like. . .we already know it’s about Kung Fu. . .

So, based on this principle, if I made a movie about a bear, would I have to use a song about bear in the trailer? Would I have to use the Descendents song “I want to be a bear”? Or how about a movie about Vultures with Wesley Willis’ “Vultures Ate My Dead Ass Up”? Seriously, trailer makers, get a little creative.

Stupid Puns

Look, I know I’m twenty-three and not the right target audience for these movies, but jesus. For a prime example of this, refer to the image below:

I would have prefered the taglines "Dogs are stupid"

Get it? Hairy? Because they’re animals! Cats and Dogs did this again with a poster for their next film in the franchise:

Purr-fect! LOL! Fuck me. I mean, seriously. Quit HORSE-ing around! He’s fighting with a PORPOISE! Things are going to get FURRY! He’s BARKING mad. It’ll make you BATTY!

Knock it off. Just fucking knock it off.

People Falling

I don’t know what it is about the kid-movie world, but is everyone 1) always surprised and 2) in such a surprise that they have to fall over? I don’t remember the last time I was so surprised I fell down. Who the fuck does that?

Borders 50% coupon! OMG!!

The Marmaduke trailer I mentioned earlier has at least two instances of this. Marmaduke was running into William H. Macy, causing him to flip over a billion times and crash on his face. This didn’t happen just once, but twice. Later in the trailer, Marmaduke’s cat friend said some witty thing (because cats are smart and witty and not stupid like dogs), and Marmaduke sent him flying in some sort of recliner that launches people. (Yea. . .I don’t know why anyone would even have that.) Is that funny? Oh, it is? Really?

This trailer below, has EVERYTHING I have mentioned. The film is called “Furry Vengeance” and stars Rick O’Connel after his Mummy-slaying days. Not only does it have a popluar song that sort of relates to the plot, but it also has a pun and people falling. THREE TIMES. Once on a treadmill, once out of bed for no reason, and third, in and outhouse of tree. I don’t get it, but then again, I’m not seven, so whatever.

The narrator or titles spelling it out for you

I guess you could say that all movie trailers do this to a certain extent, but holy crap, do kid’s movies really shove it in your face. For example, in the trailer for “Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown”, a movie about people making fun of Linus for his blanket, the narrator says “but sometimes growing up means standing up for what makes you happy.” Spoiler alert! Why do I even need to see this movie anymore?

In the trailer for the modern take on “Beauty and the Beast”, “Beastly”, the titles say “This Summer. It’s what’s underneath.” I really thought it was going to continue on to say “It’s what’s underneath that counts” or “It’s what’s underneath that matters”, but it just stops there. “It’s what’s underneath.” While this doesn’t seem like a complete sentence, it does a good job of giving us the THEME OF THE DAMN MOVIE. Once again, why do we even need to see it now?

To me, a good trailer presents a problem, then asks a “can our hero make it out of the jam?” question. Then you’re like “I wanna see that!” to see if they get out of the jam or not. The theme is learned at the end of seeing the film. See? Let’s say you watch “Beastly”. Afterwards, if you’d been paying attention, you might say “Oh. . .maybe it’s really about what’s underneath the surface! I get it!” and then continue to be a superficial asshole for the remainder of your days.

What if someone gave you a trailer for Little Red Hen, and in it they said “sometimes, you have to work for what you earn.” Wouldn’t you rather just learn that on your own while watching the movie? Or what if someone told you the moral to an Aesop fable before they started telling it to you? I dunno about you, but I’d be mad. (REALLY MAD!)

Conclusion

To stress my point, look at three great children’s movies, “The Wizard of Oz”, “The Lion King”, or “Beauty and the Beast”. How many fart jokes are in “The Wizard of Oz”? How many times do people fall over for no reason in “The Lion King?” Maybe once or twice? Did “Beauty and the Beast” trailer have the song “Beast of Burden” by the Rolling Stones? No. It didn’t.

I guess what I’ve realized over the course of writing this is that movies like the ones mentioned above are good MOVIES, not just good kid movies. Perhaps this is why “The Wizard of Oz” just had a 70th Anniversary release. You think “Furry Vengeance” is going to have one in 2080? How many people are going to show “G Force” to their kids? Let alone remember it?

Now, I’m in a weird place. On one hand, I have written this whole entire thing, telling you why I hate these previews and these movies. On the other hand, can I really hate on something that is making children laugh? Not really. I guess what I come away with is that while dumb kids movies will make kids laugh now, good children’s movies (like “Wizard of Oz” and such) will children laugh for years to come. So yea. .  .I still need to find those hooks.

***This article contains a lot of Youtube links, I would recommend loading them up on Youtube so you’re not loading many at once and slowing down your connection and computer. Maybe I just have a slow computer, I don’t know, but I thought I’d give you the head’s up. ~Sincerely, Rammfan518***

I don’t know if I’ve ever got into this on the blog, but I a fan of Lady Gaga. Not a huge fan, but about as big a fan a metalhead can get. While I am destined to get tons of shit for this from devout metallers and haters of “gay” music, you can’t deny that Gaga is a damn talented singer, songwriter, pianist, and stage performer. I mean, I think we can all appreciate her extravagant and complex live shows. And in an industry where popstars lip-sync songs that were written for them, it’s nice to see an artist who legitimately sings song she has written or co-written.

Alright, so now that my short little Gaga praise is over, let me get to the issue at hand. My friend sent me a link to Gaga’s newest song “Born this Way” a couple months ago. I like the song; it has a good dance beat, some fun singing part, and a nice little message for all those who feel lame. I had never heard Madonna’s “Express Yourself”, but he said “Born This Way” reminded him of it. The two songs are down below for your listening pleasure:

Born This Way:

Express Yourself:

Originally, I didn’t they sounded all too similar. I went back to my life of pasta cooking, scriptwriting, and wine drinking. While in line for a show’s studio audience, I was eavesdropping on some people talking about “Born this Way” and one said “I don’t like it, it sounds too much like ‘Express Yourself’”. After the taping, I came home and listened to the two songs again. It’s been a couple weeks since then and I can honestly say that I still don’t think they sound similar.

I mean, sure, they are similar. They’re both pop songs that might have similar tempo and song structure, but it’s absolutely daft to call “Born this Way” a rip-off. They don’t even sound the same!

Britney Spears was accused of stealing recently as well. In her new song “Hold it against me”, she uses the line “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?” The Bellamy Brothers claimed this was a rip off of their 1979 song titled “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?” and went through all this stuff saying they felt a little ripped off. A little ripped off? I don’t know about you but I always heard this a cheesy pick up line: “Hey, if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” What do the Bellamy Brothers expect? Did they make up this pick-up line? Can you copyright a pick-up line? Can you blame someone for writing a song thirty-two years later that has the same pun?

While we’re on the subject of similar song titles, do you know how many freaking German bands have a song called “Ohne Dich” (which translates to the sorrowful “without you”)? Just on a quick Youtube search I found there are songs titled such from the following bands: Rammstein, Selig, Eisbrecher, Zeraphine, Blutengel, Staubkind, Daygun, Christina Stürmer, Hirbod ft. Cecco, and die Arzte. Looking up just a random song title “I miss you”, there’s a song from Blink 182, Aaliyah, Miley Cryrus, Basshunter, Incubus, Avril Lavigne, Klymaxx, Harold Melvin And The Bluenotes, Simple Plan, and Aaron Hall. (Rolling Stones decided to be original and title their song “Miss You”). So see?

Anyway, back to Gaga. Her next single “Judas” came under fire as well, mostly from Christian killjoys, but also from fans of the dance-pop singer Lori Lux, who claimed “Judas” is a huge rip-off of her song “Wannabe”. Here are the two songs below:

Judas

Loli Lux – Wannabe

Sure, both songs have that “doo-doo-do-do-dododo” thing going on, but can we really call Judas a rip-off? I guess Lori Lux was upset because “Judas” uses the same “hook” as her song. While the hooks are the same, NOTHING ELSE about them is similar in the slightest. I get it, but come on. “Judas” reminded me mostly of the songs from Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping” album, curiously enough and this song “Mary, Mary”:

Mary, Mary

Now that I think about it, “Wannabe” sounds a little “Mary, Mary” as well! Let’s not also forget that we can claim the techno-y bridge of “Judas” being similar to that club song at the beginning of the film “Blade.” It’s VERY similar, but if you say people can’t make “ripped off” music, then there can be no new music ever again.

Here is another example of Lady Gaga emulating another band’s style (yes, emulating).

Eh, Eh (Nothing Else to Say)

Ace of Base – Don’t turn around

For those of you who only think it’s pop music being emulated or “ripped off” around the world, take a look at some of these similar-sounding songs.

The Cure and Wir Sind Helden

If you don’t know who The Cure is, you have either never gone outside or made a break-up mixed tape. Wir Sind Helden is a German pop band. You can’t deny that these songs sound similar, but did Wir Sind Helden reißen The Cure auf?

The Cure – “Just Like Heaven”

Wir Sind Helden – “The Geek(Shall Inherit)”

Rammstein and Ruoska

Rammstein, in addition to being the best band in the world, is a German industrial metal band, who kind of paved the way for machiney-metal in the late nineties and have continued to be metal giants in the past decade. Ruoska is a small Finnish industrial band. These songs have similar riffs, but did Ruoska rip off Rammstein?

Laichzeit

Ruoska – Alasin

Finntoll and Svartby

Finntroll just also happens to be one of the best bands in the world and is one of the big bands in the whole “folk metal” genre scene (if there is a scene). They have no doubt influenced an innumerable amount of other folk wanting to make metal with flutes and accordions. One such band from Russia, Svartby, is obviously highly influenced by Finntroll (even choosing to sing is Swedish), but did Svartby rip off Finntroll’s “Skogens Hämnd” with their song “Flygt Över Somnigt Land?”

Finntroll – Skogens Hämnd

Svartby – Flygt Över Somnigt Land

When does flattering imitation become rip-off? And where’s the cut off?

Tom Petty and Red Hot Chili Peppers and Blur:

Now let’s take a look at this one. Tom Petty is an old singer guitarist who, in 1993, came out with the catchy tune “Last Dance with Mary Jane”. Blur, the guys who sing the “woo hoo!” song, came out with their song “Country House” in 1995. In 2005, The Red Hot Chili Peppers released the album “Stadium Arcadium” (a name I’ve always hated for some reason) that featured the song “Dani California”. Listen to the openings of all three songs.

Tom Petty – Last Dance with Mary Jane

Blur – Country House

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Dani California

See? This sort of thing happens a lot.

In Conclusion:

I definitely would not call myself a musician, but I have been known by some to make my own music. When I started messing around with Guitar Pro and a bright yellow and green children’s keyboard back in 2008, I didn’t know where to start. I don’t think anyone who starts something creative does. So what do you do? You imitate the bands you’re familiar with.

I’m not going to lie and say that some of my first songs weren’t desperate attempts to be someone else’s songs. Turisas’ “One More” opens with a minute-long violin intro, followed by a nice drum beat with some guitar. My song “Hei” tried to do the same thing. Yet this is “stealing”. When making little metal songs in my room, I would say “Oh, alright, this is how a Rammstein song is structured” and then observe, re-do, and eventually learn how music works. So yea, my song might have a riff, then a verse, then a riff like many of Rammstein’s early songs, but these songs of mine aren’t rip-offs, and even Rammstein and Turisas had to get inspiration from some other band to start them off.

It happens with everything creative. It’s no different than a movie director using a shot that they saw in someone else’s movie, or a writer writing in the same style as their favorite author. Why do you think so many young filmmakers make Star Wars fan films? And those kids that made a shot-for-shot remake of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”? Everyone borrows and steals from everyone else.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are some instances when songs or song-parts are stolen (I’m looking at you, Vanilla Ice), but for the most part, there is no way in hell (the one we’re all going to after listening to Judas, apparently) you could monitor all this music and make sure it’s rip-off or influence-free. Everything, EVERYTHING, comes from something else. Star Wars was a mix of Flash Gordon and Kurosawa’s “The Hidden Fortress”. The Lord of the Rings novels were a mix of Norse sagas and Tolkien’s own invented languages. And even Tolkien’s languages were based off Finnish and Welsh! “Lion King” borrows from “Hamlet”, which is believe to be inspired by earlier legends of kings and sons such as “Hrólfs saga kraka” and the story of Brutus.

For those of you who are still skeptical, just watch the video below to learn that there really is nothing new under the sun:

Thanks for reading and happy listening.