Ralph’s best/worst movies of 2009

***Rammfan518 here with another guest contributed article. This one comes from a new contributor, Ralph. Hooray for more writers writing for this blog! Enjoy!***

2009 was a sad year for me and apparently for the film industry too. I will say I didn’t watch a lot of the movies that came out in ’09, especially as far as critical darlings go.

These are some of my favorite films of 09 in NO particular order. I’m sure this will lead to a TON of disagreement but that’s what movies are all about right?

1) Drag Me to Hell

What’s not to love about an old lady vomiting nasty shit into Alison Lohman’s mouth? This movie was entertaining as hell (pun intended), ridiculously gory/gross, funny, and had an AWESOME ending making this one of my favorite movies of the year.

2) Fantastic Mr. Fox

This movie jacked off my heart. Wes Anderson movies are usually quirky…sometimes to an annoying degree. I think he worked wonders on the characters in this movie though, and it turned out to be waaaaay funnier then I expected. The animation and set design was amazing, plus it had Bill Murray in it…the fucking man!

3) District 9

I would argue that the aliens in this movie were more believable then the Nightcrawler/smurfy/mutherfuckin’ cat Na’vi shits in Avatar were. It had an awesome concept and an unexpected look at tolerance. Peter Jackson knows good shit when he sees it.

4) Inglorious Basterds

This is by far my favorite Tarantino movie since Pulp fiction. Huge payoff at the end, great characters, and a lot of it wasn’t even in English? Tarantino is legit. I think it may have also had one of the best villains of the year in Col. Hans Landa. He’s insanely evil and self serving but you can’t help but like his crazy ass.

5) Zombieland

This has everything you need in a zombie movie and then some (Emma Stone…*drools*). I really liked the concept of having a set of rules to survive the zombie apocalypse. Zombieland is crowned in my book with THE BEST CAMEO EVVVVVERRRRRR! Do not argue this one with me. There have been great cameos in movies before, but this one TAKES THE FUCKING CAKE!!!

6) I Love You Man

I was trying to think of my favorite comedy of the year that was supposed to be strictly a comedy besides Zombieland. There weren’t a whole lot of good ones and The Hangover was waaaaay overrated. I Love You Man I think was an exception. Yes it’s a bromance, but it’s a damn good one. Paul Rudd is a top notch actor.

7) Angels and Demons

Plot holes or not it was suspenseful and buttloads better then the Da Vinci Code. This one kept me on the edge of my seat and provided a great twist at the end. The Vatican in this movie constructed by the filmmakers, was just plain beautiful. It’s hard to believe that what we are seeing isn’t even real.

8) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

I’ve heard a lot of fans squabble about this one, but I have to say I liked it a lot. The kids are all grown up now and it definitely makes a difference in their acting. Rupert Grint is still the best in my opinion. Emma Watson? Marry me. I will say I prefer Azkaban, but this one just felt so evenly played out with a sweet look into Voldemort’s origins.

9) Sin Nombre

I didn’t watch a whole lot of foreign films this year because they are not very accessible in the US sometimes. This one really hit me hard on the subject of gangs, violence, and the hardships many latinos face. I thought the acting was top notch and the cinematography beautiful. The tattoos some of the dudes in the gangs had on their faces were insane. Just a straight up badass suspenseful movie.

Honorable mentions:

Adventureland –
I guess I liked this movie so much because I could relate to the characters. The supporting cast is where this really shines. Ryan Reynolds isn’t over the top, Martin Starr from Freaks and Geeks fame is amazing, and Bill Hader and Kristen Wigg are a hilarious couple. Kristen Stewart doesn’t suck either!
Monsters vs. Aliens –
I don’t expect much from animated movies that aren’t Pixar. This one was surprisingly entertaining especially in 3D.
Star Trek –
Solid movie. Not so great a second time around, but I guess a lot of movies are like that.
Tyson –
I didn’t watch a whole lot of documentaries this year but this one blew me away. I almost put it on my top ten. Tyson is a fascinating guy. You can tell this movie kind of sets out to clear his name, but at the same time it doesn’t entirely do so.  The viewer is brought into the mind of this strange dude, still struggling for a sense of identity.
Sugar –
I guess this technically is a 08’ movie but was released in the US in 09’. Beautifully shot movie that shows the truth behind young guys trying to become Baseball stars.
Men Who Stare at Goats-
Critically this movie didn’t do so well, but I found it to be quite funny. It’s based on a real government military program. INSANE!
(500) Days of Summer –
This movie may have been over hyped a tad bit, but it was genuinely funny and quirky. I like when movies think outside the bubble and don’t always show a happy ending.

~~Here some other random top lists~~

Movies I was most disappointed in this year despite them being ok to good movies:

Avatar – Looked very pretty especially in the night scenes, but this movie was nothing special. Sure it might be a technological marvel but the story was nothing to piss my pants about.
A serious man – I like the Coen brothers and for the most part this movie was interesting. Audiences love following the story of a shit-out-of-luck main character for two hours only to be rewarded with no “pay off” at the end right? NO!
Sherlock Holmes – I didn’t really have an urge to see this movie, but I at least expected some good quality shit. It wasn’t bad but I didn’t find myself very entertained by the mystery ol’ Sherlock was solving. Plus RDJ needs to work on his mumbling when he fakes a British accent. Seriously, I couldn’t make out some of the shit he was saying.
Watchmen – How bout some softcore porn in your superhero movie? Would you like to see a giant blue CGI mans schlong too?  Then look no further! Watchman, a delightful escapade into unnecessary violence and sex. It’s only redeeming value? The character of Rorschach, who was actually interesting and super badass.
Terminator Salvation –I really enjoyed this movie but I couldn’t help but still feel a little disappointed by the time it was over. People didn’t like it, but it was waaaay better then Terminator 3. The action was by far some of the best I’ve seen this year too. Nothing can live up to Terminator 2 I guess.

Movies that look so bad I never want to see them EVER:

Street Fighter the Legend of Chun Li – Kristen Kreuk is hot. That’s the only thing this movie looks like it has going for it.
Ace Ventura Pet Detective Jr.-A fat Ace Ventura kid? Wtf? Stop doing shitty sequels of good franchises!
G-Force- Oh some guinea pig/hamster spies saving the world. How enticing! NOT!
The Fourth Kind – It isn’t so much that this movie looks bad, it’s that they marketed it on lies. Based on a true story my ass.
Twilight 2 New Moon – I heard nothing but bad things about this movie and its acting. CGI wolves? No thank you.
BONUS: Madea Goes to Jail- How many of these Fuckin’ Madea movies are they going to make?

Movies that may or may not be bad I just don’t want to see them:

Public Enemies – I’ve seen like 7 John Dillinger movies already why would I want to see another?
2012 – I do not like end of the world movies with shit crashing all over the place. John Cusack make something good like High fidelity again
Old Dogs – Robin Williams you don’t seem to be funny anymore dude. You might as well go back to making serious movies again where you’re a creepy stalker photo lab employee.
Gi Joe – If a remake looks like its deviating vastly from the source material I won’t see it. Prime example right here.
Jeniffer’s Body- Meagan Fox is not a pleasant person and her looks are overrated. That alone makes me not want to see this.

Movies that intrigued me but I was told they were bad, so I never saw them:

Lesbian Vampire Killers – How can that title not intrigue you?  And the poster actually looked pretty sick.
Push – Looked sweet…but it apparently has a lot of plot holes.
Year One – I will eventually see this. I love Harold Ramis, so believe me I was bummed out of my mind when I heard how bad it was supposed to be.
That Final Destination movie in 3d – 3D is what final destination always needed, but I guess others didn’t agree.
Surrogates- A sci fi movie with Bruce Willis sounds great to me…but not to others.

Worst movies I saw this year:

Dragonball Evolution-This was a terrible movie. The acting stupid and the casting dumb as fuck. It overused green screen so much I expected them to project random moon landing footage behind the characters. The costumes looked like what kids wear on Halloween when all the good costumes are sold out. The final villain fight was almost as disappointing as a McDonalds Big Mac.
X-men origins: Wolverine – This movie was a clusterfuck of what could have been a super awesome movie. This one makes the list because it disappointed me immensely.
Transformers 2 – What a piece of shit this movie was. Insanely long, incoherent, racist, sexist, stupid. I’m officially not seeing Transformers 3. I refuse to give Michael Bay an excuse to make a 4th one (even though I’m sure it will happen). I can’t wait for him to brag about how many computers it’s going to take to render his next turd.
The Ugly truth – This movie was lame. The romance that spawns from the two main characters towards the end is not believable. There needs to be a subtle attraction somewhere along the movie, so that when they do hook up at the end you’re like “Oh heck yea.” You could care less if they end up together or not by the time it ends. In fact, by the time the movie ends you want them to both die. I also thought Katherine Heigl’s acting was lame.

Best poorly reviewed movie I saw and actually kind of liked despite how bad it was:

Ninja Assassin- This movie was pretty bad. Very cliché and pointless. I will admit though that seeing ninjas fight each other was entertaining and the overuse of blood was fun.

Thanks for all the insights, Ralph! Hopefully 2010 will be a lot better!

My Top Ten Movie Endings

What up? This is my list of the top ten movie endings. Don’t like it, make your own list. w00t

NOTE: THIS LIST IS A LIST OF MOVIE ENDINGS, WHICH CAN ACT AS HUGE SPOILERS!!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

NOTE: THIS LIST IS A LIST OF MOVIE ENDINGS, WHICH CAN ACT AS HUGE SPOILERS!!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

10. Saw (2005)

Oh my god, it was the dead guy in the middle!!! Holy shit!!!

9. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

I know what you’re thinking: “how could the worst Lord of the Rings” film’s ending be on this list? Mar mar mar. .” .whatever, this is my list, and this has to be one of my favorite endings in any movie. At the end of the film (so, when your DVD player reads 23:45:56), the Fellowship is broken up, separated, and bummed out. They had a good run, but its members are all weary and unsure of what is to happen. Merry and Pippin got kidnapped, Frodo set off alone to the lands of eternal darkness and damnation, and our badass warriors have no one to slay. Frodo tries to bone out early, but his buddy Sam chases after him . Frodo doesn’t want his friend to come alone, but after Sam nearly drowns, Frodo’s like “ok, fine, you can come.” Then the scene cuts to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, the sweetest sons of kings in all of Middle-Earth. Gimli is being all pessimistic about the fellowship, saying that “the fellowship has failed.” But then Aragorn is like “Hell no! We’re going to save Merry and Pippin!” He grabs his dagger as epic music plays, flips his hair out of his face and says “Let’s hunt some orc.” Fuck yea, dude. That is awesome. Then the three hunters run off into the woods towards 80+ more hours of adventure! Sweetness.

8. Die Welle (2008)

“Die Welle” is the German take on the classic story “The Wave,” about the famous experiment on Nazis and other shit like that. Basically, the teacher asks the students if they think another Nazi Germany could come into power. The kids, who don’t want to talk about that that over again, say that it would be just unmöglich for that to happen. So, the teacher makes a “club” called “the Wave” (“Die Welle” in German) with specific rules and dress code. Some kids get way into the idea, and some refuse it. So, the kids who said that an totalitarian regime would be impossible are basically participating in one. Fooled ya!! Effective experiment, I say. Throughout the whole movie, there is this loner kid named Tim who gets obsessed with the idea, and takes it WAY too far. So much so, that he brings a gun to the final Welle meeting. When he learns that the Welle is fake, he goes nuts, saying that no one is to leave the auditorium and that “‘Die Welle lebt” (“The Wave lives”) One kid calls him out saying that it’s a water pistol or fake, but then Tim shoots him. The teacher, surprised, makes the crazy kid lower the gun. I was in the theater yelling to myself “Take the gun! Take the gun from him! He’s going to–” shoot himself in the head. And that’s what happens. Tim gets way into it, then brings a gun, and upon learning his totalitarian dreams are over, shoots himself. Fuck, that is heavy. . .

7. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” is an awesome movie, like, holy shit, it rocks. The ending is pretty sweet as well. Ferris has lied to his parents and his principal about being sick, because it was just too nice of a day to go to school. After a long day of antics around the city, Ferris must race home before his parents, and his principal Mr. Rooney, arrive and see that he is not there. What ensues is a sweet sequence with Ferris jumping over fences, meeting tanning women, and even running through someone’s house. He eventually makes it home and no one suspects anything. Playing hookey and getting away with it! Sweet! The movie then wraps up with his saying “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Thanks, Ferris! During the credits, it shows Mr. Rooney, defeated by our hero, getting on a school bus and feeling miserable to that song that goes “BOM BOM . . .chika-chaka!”

6. Gladiator (2000)

Dude, is there any ending sadder than the ending of “Gladiator”? Well, maybe, but this ending is pretty fucking good. Early in the movie, Maximus and Jabu are talking about their families. Jabu says that his family is chillin’ or something, and Maximus says that his family is already waiting for him in the afterlife. Jabu says “You will see them again. . .but not yet. . .not yet. . .” Fast forward to the end of the movie! After Maximus kills that asshole Commodus, he stumbles around and looks as if he is going to faint. After saying some political shit about a dream that was Rome and stuff, he falls down and slowly dies to the excellent score of Hans Zimmer. :( Then, his buddy Jabu returns to the Colosseum and buries Maximus’ family action figures in the sand of the Colosseum and says “I will see you again.. .but not yet. . .not yet. . .” Aw, fuck, just rips your soul out!

5. Planet of the Apes (1968)

“You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell! ” Everyone knows what I’m talking about. Charlton Heston spends the whole movie on this shitty, fucked up planet where Apes are dominant and people are stupid. When he sets off from the crazy settlement of the Apes, Dr. Zaius tells him that he might not like what he sees. Charlton is like “Fuck you, monkey” and goes off anyway. . .only to find a destroyed Statue of Liberty! Statue of Liberty. . .ok. . that means it’s Earth. . .we’re in the future. . .oh shit, we fucked up our future! Shit! We suck! Very gasp-worthy ending.

4. The Lion King (1993)

Dude, there is nothing like Simba climbing up that rock thing and assuming his rightful role as King. “It is time,” says Rafiki, and cue the Hans Zimmer score! That dude rocks my musical socks. Anyway, Simba climbs up Pride Rock all proud and kingly and when he roars, it’s like all is well again and it’s just so happy and yay!!! Yea, might be childish, but whatever, it still kicks ass.

3. American History X (1998)

If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I am talking about. If you haven’t seen the movie, see it immediately.

2. Batman Begins (2005)

At the end of “Batman Begins,” Gordon and Batty are talking on the roof of some tall building. They are talking about heroism and criminals and shit, and Gordon tells Batman about this new criminal, saying: “Take this guy. . armed robbery, double homicide. Got a taste for the theatrical, like you. Leaves a calling card. . .” Gordon gives Batman an evidence bag that just has a card in it, a JOKER card. FUCK. YES. When I first saw this movie, I didn’t think much of the scene. I don’t think anyone really did. However, after seeing “The Dark Knight,” this scene makes me nothing short of giddy. Batman flips over the card and sees the Joker image, and at that moment, I just cannot wait for the crazyness that the Joker is about to bring upon Gotham. The scene was fine before, but now to me, it’s a great teaser for what is to come, which is pure fucking awesomeness. I love the end of this movie. . .makes me so excited!

1. GoldenEye (1995)

Goldeneye begins with James Bond and his buddy Alec Trevelyan kicking some ass. On their opening mission, they’re about to do something cool and Trevelyan says “For England, James.” For England indeed. Unfortunetely, Alec gets capped in the head on this mission. Bond escapes and then boom, nine years later, and Bond is still all torn up about losing his partner Alec all those years ago. So when James finds out that Alec is a villain now, he gets all kinds of pissed off. So, Alec causes lots of shit for our hero and that sucks for James. At the end of the movie, James and Alec meet for a climatic confrontation on top of this satellite thing. It’s a sweet fight, and at the end, Alec falls off the edge of the satellite, but James catches his old friend by the arm and holds onto him. Alec then looks up and asks “For England, James?” as to which Bond replies “No. . .for me.” Then James lets Alec go. FUCK YEA! What a sweet ending. “For England, James?” “Fuck no, asshole. . for me!” FUCK YEA!

w00t.

Top Ten Really sucky movies you just gotta love

10. Merlin

This movie is pure shit. It is so darn funny, but I dont remember much of it, except for the babe in it was kind of hot. The plot was so outrageous and goofy, and the acting wasn’t that great either. Even the fight scene were crappy as hell.

9. Beowulf (1999)

There is not any other adaptation that has been so far off the mark. Oh, a sword-wielding tough guy fights a monster in feudal Denamrk. . .lets get this
cross-eyed weird-ass to fire his presumably automatic cross-bow! I dont know if you guys have ever seen Christopher Lambert (the Highlander films,) but he annoys the crap out of me. I hate his voice, and the action in this movie is so ghetto. This whole freakin movie is ghetto. Heres the movie: fight scene, corny line, unnecessary (but well liked) nude scene with the hot babe, and then another fight with tons of techno. Hooray for crap. :)

8. Pirates

I only saw the Rated R version, but I’m sure if it did have all the porn, this movie would still suck. It is so funny and the acting is. . .horrible. The captain has an enormous butt-chin and his ship is called “The Sea Stallion.” Haha, what a dopey name. This movie’s script sucks as well. They will talk in old English, using some five-dollar words here and there, and then bluntly exhange the line “fuck this.” The visual effects are pathetic. At one point, a man is holding a torch. . .and the fire on the torch is CG. . .why is the fire CG? That is so dumb. I did, however, enjoy the intense fight with the resurrected skeletons. I think it was better than Harryhausen’s by far. (that’s a joke.) One particular scene that is outrageous is when butt-chin captian is tied up to a post in a building that is on fire. He tells this busty lass to come untie him, but she will only he boinks her. He agrees. . .but they do it in the burning building. . .and slowly. The building is on fire, you dolts! Hahaha! This movie is so fuckin’ crappy.

7. Dragon Storm

Sci-Fi Original Movies are so great. . .NOT! This movie was so darn funny when I was watching it. The romance between the two main characters was so fluffy, even for me. (A hopeless romantic) It had John Rhys Davies in it (Gimli from LOTR,) and that gave it some cred. His daughter in the movie was hot. The team they asembled to take down a dragon was so hodge-podge, it seemed like they couldnt even sell lemonade. What the hell was an Asian guy doing in medieval Carpathia anyway?

6. Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II

This movie is really weird. Its about this like ten year old hero kid, and yet theres like hella hot babes wearing like hardly any clothes. What kinda kid’s flick is this anyway? Oh yeah, a fantasy. Lol. It is corny as hell and funny. I mean, how does a chick in a tree shoot down at a guys back, and then he dies in the next shot with the arrow in his chest. What the hell? Lol. Oh well, it was cool, and it had David Carridine in it, too! So that was bomb.

5. Veronica 2030

This movie is pretty cool, actually. Well, not really. The story of a struggling porn photographer and the robot from the future who came to Earth to re-vitalize everyones sex lives has you hooked, well, not until the boobs show up. Lol. It hard to find a story in between the random boob shots and unnecessary (but welcomed) slow-motion sex scenes. Hell, even the scientists got it on in the space-ship. I guess this movie has a good message: everyone is gonna get some eventually. (So don’t worry nerds)

4. The Celestine Prophecy

A very cool book, a pretty cool movie. Marjorie was SO fine it. This movie had super-ghetto blue screen effects and special effects in general. The acting wasn’t too bad, well, actually, yeah it was. Haha. At least the ship captain from King Kong was in it. That was cool. I loved this movie, but probably because I just loved the book..

3. Vampires: The Turning

This movie was actually pretty frickin’ awesome. Vampires in Thailand? Who woulda thought? The storyline was pretty cool and it had awesome kung-fu action. Kung-fu, motorcycles, and. . .lost my train of thought. I love how this movie has its own history and stuff. The ancient Sang Dei (or something) is taking out Niran and his whole group of Vamps. Rrrr. All the Slayers are pretty cool too. Sang is super-hot, and of course, we get to see her boobs too! Wow, low-budget must mean nudey-shots. But seriously, this movie is pretty awesome.

2. Return of the Killer Tomatoes

This flick is just downright funny. It makes fun of action movies, horror movies, movie franchises, and even itself. A young George Clooney is a cool novelty to the movie, and just its absurd plot will make you laugh. Note: this movie is meant to be a comedy

1. The Sword and the Sorcerer

One of the funniest movies I have ever seen. Take every stereotype of fantasy, stick it in a movie, and you have this flick. The hero’s past, the killing of his mother and father, and omg, the three bladed sword that shoots blades at people. Haha! This movie is SO funny. The sets are so corny. Instead of a deep dark cave, it looked worse than the haunted house at my elemetary school’s Halloween Festival. Just some strobe lights and a throne. This movie is so bad. I cant stop laughing. There is so much to laugh about here. The fighting is dumb, the villain is dumb, and all the dialogue is laughable. And, as with any R Rated fantasy movie we have the boob shot. I love it at the end when the main character, Talon, shoots the bad guy with one of his swords (laughs) and the baddie dies, falling back, and knocks over a frickin boulder. LOL! At the end of the movie, it says “Await Talon’s next adventure TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE” The sequel was never made. :( Maybe I should make it. . .lol