Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Shellshocked Tour 2011

I was being unemployed the other day and surfing the web, reading up on all types of things. I learned a bit about eels, then a bit about Kermit the Frog. Apparently before he was the green frog we all loved, he did ads for Wilkins Coffee in which he beat up/killed/assaulted another Muppet. (Don’t you just love the old days?) I was happy with all this new knowledge I was accumulating. . .then, something bad happened. I stumbled upon a nugget of information I would not forget.

Now we’re all familiar with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the weapon-wielding anthropomorphic amphibians who beat up assholes and eat pizza. There’s Raphael, Michelangelo, Donatello, Leonardo, Splinter, Casey Jones, April O’Neill, and of course, their rival, Shredder. After years of being in cartoons, some dumbass decided that Turtles should put down their weapons and change things with music. I love a pacifist message as much as they next guy, but HOLY SHIT.

In 1990, the Turtles released a an album (and cassette, remember those?) that only sold at Pizza Hut, their favorite pizza. It went platinum in two weeks. Pizza Hut also sponsored their 40-city “Out of Our Shells” tour, a performance of which was filmed to premiere on Pay-Per View and be sold on VHS. The results are down below:

I mean. . .I don’t even know where to start. I mean. . .they’re not even singing! It’s all playback. . .that’s stupid. Good god. . .it’s so bad.

While in line for a paid studio audience gig (yay for just moving to LA), I discussed this terrible occurrence with a fellow in-line-ian. We were discussing the tour, and we casually mentioned they should do another one. This time, however, it’d be called the “Shellshocked Tour” and it’d be fucking metal.

Fuck yea!

I mean, think about it. How fucking awesome would that be? To illustrate my point, I have made a proof-of-concept video. Here you go:

Wasn’t that badass? No, it wasn’t, I’ll admit that, but it was pretty damn cool. Could you imagine a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle metal band? Wouldn’t that be sweet? I dunno, maybe I’m just a weirdo.

One point this does bring me to is, well, growing up. When I was little, I probably would have liked this stupid concert. Who knows? Maybe I even watched it and thought it was the bee’s knees. But now, it’s so fucking lame I can’t stand it.

What is the process of growing up with children’s cartoons and movies? And why do we expect them to mature along with us? Hmm. . .interesting indeed. Here I am, getting deep again. Getting deep about fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. . .goodness me, I need a job. Rock on.